Category Archives: Television

Summertime Fun: An Abby Gabs List Blog

It’s summertime. Isn’t summertime great? Forget about the 100+ degree heat, the monstrous thunderstorms that leave us without power for hours, and the crazy tourist-caused traffic. With summer comes awesome farm fresh produce, glorious beach days, and lots of frosty alcoholic beverages.

Ice cold beer, anyone?

But as wonderful as all those things are, the best thing about THIS summer is the fact that I have Brian home from school. That means plenty of free time to do the things we’ve been meaning to do since, oh, let’s say January of 2011. (Like purchasing an universal remote, going on vacation, and spending time with friends.) And when Brian packs up and heads off to work on weekends, I have plenty of time to obsess over a few little things of my own. Here’s my list of 

Things We Do When We Have 
Lots of Free Time (Especially 
When It’s Hot Outside.)

#1: Watch Doctor Who.
After plenty of prodding from fellow Geek Chic friends like Jenna and Tina, we finally broke down and started watching Doctor Who. (Thanks Netflix!) It took us about a month to watch all 6 seasons, and I can officially say we have earned our nerd cards. I can’t tell you much about the series, (because, you know, SPOILERS…) but let me just say this. WE LOVED IT. The cheese factor, combined with compelling story lines, terrific one-liners, and the ultimate nerdgasm that is time travel—well, it’s just the perfect show.
Those of you who are wise beyond your years and were already Doctor Who fans will probably want to know the answer to one burning question—who’s our favorite Doctor? Well, I just can’t choose. It’s a toss up.
How can one choose between David Tennant and Matt Smith??? (Source)

We shout “alons y” in our house as often as we randomly say “Bowties are cool.” But I’m really close to sporting a bowtie. And maybe even a fez.
Fezzes are cool, too.

#2: Play Plants Vs. Zombies.
Brian got me a Kindle Fire for my birthday.

I could write an entire blog dedicated solely to my Kindle Fire, because it is, without a doubt, the coolest thing ever. However, there’s one app in particular that is currently holding me spellbound. And that app is Plants vs. Zombies.
It’s an OCD dream, this game. Planting pretty rows of plants to defend your home from zombies, mowing them down one by one…like I said…it’s video game heaven. The part of my brain that drives my OCD is always happy and well-rested after a rousing round of virtual zombie-maiming gardening.

And as if that’s not enough to make a game great, then please let me introduce you to the in-house comedian of Plants vs. Zombies. It’s your crazy neighbor, Crazy Dave. And each time he makes an appearance to share his zombie-slaying tips, he makes me laugh out loud. While searching for a video so you could hear him talk, I came across this little gem. Enjoy.

#3: Obsess Over Potential Hairstyles.

Ok, so this is something I do without Brian. Not that he isn’t interested, he’s just…not interested.

So, let this serve as a warning to all my friends and family. I’ve decided to grow my hair out. Which means, for the next 3 to 5 months, you can expect me to look something like this:
Is that a goomba on your head, or are you just growing your hair out?

Thankfully, I have an awesome hairstylist (Hi Leeann!) who will laugh at my Super Mario Brothers’ jokes as much as she will help me grow out my locks without adopting the Billy Ray Cyrus ‘do. With this decision has come hours and hours of trolling the internet, looking for photos of what I might want my hair to look like next. (The giant walking mushroom with scraggly eyebrows look isn’t exactly on my list.)
I’d like to personally thank whoever invented Pinterest, because with it I’ve found my “how it will look when it starts to get some length back” hairdo:

…and my “cutey cute cute finished product hairdo:”

Note to readers: No, I’m not going blonde. It’s totally a coincidence that both hairstyles are sported by blondies. I’ll be sticking with my natural dark brown color, which I love. Sorry to those who hoped I’d go pink.

#4: Play Mexican Train Dominoes.

Don’t believe what you hear. Dominoes are so much cooler than you might believe. The game that changed my mind? Mexican Train Dominoes.

It may look simple. But when we play, it’s cutthroat.

This game turns my normally kindhearted family into vicious, smack-talking competitors. And it all stems from the frustration of Brian’s complete mastery of the game. 
You see, he always wins. Always. And this makes my brother, my Dad and I very, very, very angry. And then, when he walks away with another victory, he doesn’t something smarmy.
Like posting the score sheets on my parents’ fridge, taking a photo, posting it
to Facebook, and tagging the losers.
Even though I always lose, this game is a must-have for dinner parties, lazy Sundays, and most any other occasion. However, I suggest you put your game face on. We don’t mess around when it comes to dominoes. (Or Spitty-Outty-Sucky-Uppy Uno, for that matter.)
#5: Drink Margaritas.
Because tequila is a girl’s best friend.
 Thus comes the end of my list. And so, inquiring minds want to know. What’s going on at your house this summer? (If there’s tequila involved, can I come?)

How An Electronic Device Has Made My Life Exponentially Better (IE: I Might Write Sonnets & Song Lyrics In Its Honor)

Up until a few days ago, any time I wanted to watch TV, I first had to round up a gaggle of remotes. (I’m not sure just how many remotes constitutes a gaggle, but suffice it to say, it’s more than two but less than 10.)

There was a remote for the cable box. Another for the PS3 (which we use as a DVD player as well as a game console.) A third remote was used solely for the purpose of changing between HDMI and AV (I have no idea what that means, only that HDMI2 means I can watch Buffy on DVD and AV2 means I can play Just Dance 2 on the Wii.) And then, there was the teeny, tiny, easy-to-lose sound remote. It’s only job was to turn on the sound. I could have all 3 big remotes but without that little jerk, watching TV turned into a digital game of charades. 


Please let me reiterate my disdain for the teeny tiny surround sound remote. I hated it from Day One, which was approximately 2 years ago (read: around the same time that Brian started nursing school.) My begging started during that same time frame.

Abby: Honey, can’t we please just buy a universal remote?
Brian: I mean, I guess…what’s wrong with 4 remotes?

Abby: Seriously?
Brian: We just need to find somewhere to put them, so they’re always there when we need them.
Abby: *crickets chirping*
Brian: You know, like a basket, or a remote caddy, or a special drawer.
Abby: *crickets still chirping*
Brian: Hey, what about that basket your Mom gave you for office stuff? That would be perfect! We’ll put it right in front of the TV so we won’t forget.
Abby: *you guessed it. More crickets.*
Brian: It’ll be GREAT!

Needless to say, Brian’s ingenious idea only worked about .64% of the time…which is to say that the only time all 4 remotes found their home in their comfy new basket was when I was cleaning up the living room for company, and they all got put there at the very. same. time. Inevitably, the cable remote stayed nearest to my coffee mug. The PS3 remote would wind up in a drawer on the other side of the room. The TV remote was most often found under the entertainment center.

And the teeny tiny sound remote? Who knows. It’s been lost no less than eleventy-billion times.

After two years of begging, and pleading, and cursing the teeny tiny sound remote, my dreams finally came true. Brian drove to Best Buy, acquired a new universal remote, and programmed that bad boy to perfection. And guess what—-it does ALL THE STUFF!!


I’ve never been so in love with a device that runs on batteries IN MY LIFE. (Except for my cell phone. Although, we’ve been on the outs for a while now. But it’s still a love/hate relationship.) One little green button is devoted to turning on the TV. The other little green button turns on the cable box. The handy-dandy INPUT button switches between HDMI and AV. 

And my favorite new button on my favorite new remote??? The AMP button. Why? 

If I haven’t adequately put into words how I feel about this universal remote, let’s try an Abby Gabs illustration instead:
*Artist’s note: I may or may not say that quote every single time I pick up the remote, in a deep falsetto. And I may or may not swoosh the remote through the air like it’s flying, singing the Superman theme song all the live long day. Maybe. It hasn’t been recorded for posterity, so you can only take my word for it at this point.*
I would take a second to be slightly embarrassed about my obvious infatuation with a piece of plastic. But I’m too busy hugging it and kissing it and calling it George.

Friday Gab Bag (Oh Wait…It’s Saturday, Isn’t It?)

If you’re scratching your head at the title of this post, and wondering why I seem to have lost a day this week, there’s a very simple answer for that, dear readers. You see, I worked out with Dana again last night. And we did step aerobics.


Of COURSE I was smiling the whole time. Just like her. I swear.

When the whining workout was completed, I diligently checked my new handy-dandy heart rate monitor to see how many calories I burned.

And had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw this:


Yes, that says seven hundred and eight calories burned. No, I’m not kidding.

Hence why my first word today was “OW.”

Not only are my legs sore from the step-up, step-down, step-up-again motion, but my brain is FRIED. Which explains today’s blog title. And also, why I’m sure this blog will make no sense to anyone. Even me.

*     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *     *
There’s still PLENTY of time to tell me all about the book that kept you busy during the holidays. The linky is open until the end of January, and I’m always eager to hear about an enticing read! So click on over to my post titled “I Read, Therefore I Am,” read my own review of “The Hunger Games” by Suzanne Collins, and share your favorite book, all in one fell swoop!
Also, yesterday I reached out for a little help from my friends. If you have an idea, a funny story, a conversation starter, or a topic you’d like to see me cover here on Abby Gabs, now’s your chance to make your voice heard! Click on the tab above titled “Ask Abby Gabs,” and give me your best shot!!

*     *     *     *     *      *     *     *

Here are three images from Pinterest that have made me laugh within the last 24 hours. (I totally stole this idea from Stephanie over at Love Life Project. She also has a hilarious NEW blog called Clay Baboons that you MUST MUST MUST read. It is fantastico.)

Ok, plug completed. Now let the hilarity ensue.


As soon as I can figure out how to rename my computer, I’m totally
going to do this. Because it’s HILARIOUS, people. HILARIOUS.


This picture is funny for 2 reasons. 1) this cat looks like my cat, Pip and
2) it’s REALLY cold outside here today and I would probably be on
the floor right beside him in a similar position.


Because alcohol is totally my motivation for jogging.
Seriously. Put a big ol’ bottle of red wine at the finish line
and I will beat ALL the skinny beotches there. For reals, yo.

*     *     *     *     *      *     *     *

And finally—who watched the People’s Choice Awards?!?! Did you burst with glee when you saw THIS?!? :
I ♥ Nathan Fillion. I ♥ Castle and Firefly and Serenity and Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog and everything else he’s ever been in.
And I’d be lying if I said I was NOT voting every single day per his requests on Twitter.

What? It’s not cheating on Donnie Wahlberg if I Twitter-stalk other celebrities. Right?

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
As it turns out, blogs with a ton of links and pictures in them, even if they aren’t cohesive or Photoshopped, takes just as much thought and time as the other kind. Brain is officially exhausted now. Must. Have. Coffee. And. Sleep. ZZZzzzzzz
The End.


Friday Grab Bag

The weekend is practically upon us, friends! I, for one, couldn’t be more excited. (Not that I have anything in particular planned.)

I actually kicked off the weekend last night by hosting a book club meeting here at my humble abode. Yes, readers, I am a member of the awesomest book club in the land. We are, in fact, the Unpretentious Book Club of the Greater Charleston Area (More Commonly Referred to as My Book Club.)

This picture would be more accurate if we took out
the coffee mugs and added a few wine glasses.

We got started a few months back and so far the list of works we’ve finished is quite substantial. We begged for Xanax after The Road by Cormac McCarthy. We complained about the lacking depth of character in Dune by Frank Herbert. We laughed about the silly protagonist in Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore. And we now find ourselves catapulted back in time with Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet.

I chose Pillars. It’s on my top 5 favorite books I’ve ever read list. (And yes, there’s a hard copy of that. Somewhere.)

Here’s the thing about Book Club. We meet, we talk, we eat. And we drink. A lot. I believe 2 bottles of wine and at least 4 beers were consumed last night, between 4 people. And that was a tame evening, by Book Club standards.

Dana’s boyfriend, Justin, says we’ve created a drinking club with a book problem.

I think it should be our official motto.

That’s better.

At any rate, drinking a bottle of wine over the course of 4 hours on a Thursday night makes working Friday morning a little less enjoyable. After I publish this blog, I plan on sitting back and spending the rest of my day with Nathan Fillion. Thank you, Netflix, for delivering Castle, Season 2.

Oh Castle. You rascal, you. ♥

Yes, it’s true. I have a crush on Nathan Fillion. (Um, Firefly? Hello???) It also shouldn’t surprise you that I stalk him on Twitter. (Perhaps not as aggressively as I stalk Donnie Wahlberg, but it could be considered stalking in a court of law.)

Thanks to Stephanie at Love Life Project, I can now move immediately from Nathan Fillion to an Abby Gabs call to action! Thanks, Stephanie!

Readers, I have been invited to a linky party. And I really want to join! Problem is, I’m having a hard time making a decision over which post I want to link up. So, in order for me to participate in the brilliant “Show Your Work” linky over on The Woven Moments, I need some input from you guys.

I ask you, readers—what was your favorite Abby Gabs from the month of October?

I’ve chosen my 4 favorites from October in the survey above. I just can’t pick one. It’s like choosing between my four-legged children. I just can’t do it. So here’s where you come in! Vote for your favorite October Gabs above so I can make up my mind which one I want to use in Ryan’s link-up party! (If you don’t see your favorite above, leave me a comment with the title of your preferred reading, and I’ll toss it into consideration as well.) Make your voice heard, readers! And make my decision for me!

…If this works out as well as I hope it does, these handy dandy little surveys might just make more appearances in my everyday life. I’ll have to remember them next time I can’t get Brian to make a decision about what he wants for dinner…

Autumn Is For Football, Apple Cider, & Twitter Stalking

I can admit to you, Abby Gabbers, that I have not been as diligent with my social networking during the warmer months as I would have liked.

It couldn’t be helped. The beach was beckoning, we had several visitors this summer, and what little free time I’ve had was spent with my nose in a book. (Well…in my Kindle.)

With the fall months comes two things I’m always excited about: football, and new TV.

Naturally, there’s one show in particular that I was SUPER excited about…and if you’ve read my blog more than once, you can probably guess which show that might be.

Blue Bloods on CBS.

Not just because it’s an excellent, edge-of-your-seat cop drama. Not just because it tops the ratings as Friday’s #1 show (see? 11.2 million people agree with me.) And not just because it stars Tom Selleck and his spectacular mustache.

Oh no, dear readers. That show excites me because it ALSO stars my “pretend boyfriend,” Donnie Wahlberg.

(Yes, I can totally refer to him as “boyfriend,” because he follows me on Twitter, wishes me happy birthday, and lives in my bedroom.)

(Ok, my Donnie Pinata lives in my bedroom, but I still see him everyday. That’s totally boyfriend material.)

Ah, Donnie. The object of my obsession affection.

With the new season of Blue Bloods, my twitter stalking has resurfaced, full force. (*Warning, if you’re a Blue Bloods fan, the next part of this blog may include spoilers from last night’s episode. Well…sort of.)

As we settled in last night to watch what was promised to be a very emotional, suspenseful episode of my favorite one-hour drama, Brian was less than surprised to see me snuggling up with my Droid.

And yes, it was plugged in for optimum battery performance.

During each commercial break, I was Tweeting furiously. You know…to show my support for the show. (It had nothing to do with the fact that you-know-who was tweeting, too.)

And so, for a solid hour last night, my Twitter feed looked like this:

Let the record show that this was posted at 8 pm. The show comes on at 10 pm.
Shhh…don’t tell my husband he wasn’t included in this list.
I mean, I only get 140 characters.
Inside info from the ep…if you saw it, you TOTALLY
know who deserved the melon attack.
I use the word “pretend” loosely.

It wasn’t until I started re-tweeting other people’s tweets about Donnie that I thought of my friend, Alex, from Late Enough, and a post she recently published titled “This Is Social Media: (Not) Changing the World With Twitter.”

Only then did I realize I might lose some important followers due to my obsessive Donnie Wahlberg tweeting.

I paused, my finger hovering over the “Tweet” button. Should I be a more responsible Tweep? Should I be posting links to articles about important world events, tips to better parenting, or ways to improve the environment by planting one tree at a time? Maybe I should focus on trying to change the world one tweet at a ….


… … … … … … … … … … What?

Saturday Mornings

What was your favorite part of Saturday as a kid? Not having to go to school? Racing downstairs to devour your Mom’s famous flapjacks? Getting up early and heading to the fishing hole with your Dad?

Who are you kidding? You know it was the Saturday Morning Cartoons.
A few of my faves.
I’ve mentioned before my admiration for Shera. And I know I’ve outlined my husband’s love of all things robot.
This past Saturday, thanks to The Hub, I got to revisit my childhood. My husband, ever the narrow-minded child and only interested in “boy” cartoons, totally missed out on one of my all-time favorite cartoons, ever. So the time had come for me to school him on “real” cartoons.
I was obsessed with this show. And before you ask, yes, I had the dolls, too. And the Rockin’ Roadster.
Since I’ve watched a gazillion hours worth of Transformers in the years I’ve been married to my husband, it only seemed fair that he get a taste of what my childhood was like. So we settled in and watched an episode of “Jem.”
The following argument conversation took place during the commercial breaks.
B: This is terrible.
A: So’s your face.
B: It is really really terrible.
A: Whatever. It’s the coolest cartoon ever.
B: Who do you think they hired to sing this crap? Do you think they told them to be bad? Like, they’re singing off-key on purpose?
A: They’re the Misfits. Like, the Decepticons of rock n’ roll. They’re supposed to suck.
B: Oh…
Next commercial break:
B: So you really watched this as a kid?
A: Yes.
B: And you never watched Transformers?
A: No.
B: Wow. Now you know what you were missing. Your cartoons were awful.
A: Whatever. I’d rather be a rockstar than a Transformer anyday.
B: WHAAAAAAAAT? How can you….
A: (Abby interrupts) SHHHH. It’s coming back on and I’m dying to find out if the Holograms are going to figure out where the Misfits hid the master tape for their new album.
B: (pouts)
Next commercial break:
A: Because I’m a girl.
B: So? Even girls know that robots that transform into sports cars are cooler than a chick with pink hair and flashy earrings.
A: No, I don’t think so. Girls would rather be rockstars and wear awesome clothes and tour the world with their friends.
B: Awesome clothes?
A: What? Leg warmers were the height of fashion in the 80s.
B: (GAG)
As if he needs further proof, I’ve devised a simple check list of all the ways Jem is cooler than Transformers.
Seriously, Bri…you can’t argue with that.

And if you can argue with that, you can’t argue with the

I win.

I Like Good TV, Too.

I’ve told you all about my favorite TV shows (no longer on the air.) I’ve explained to you our love affair for all bad TV. And I’ve even re-enacted an episode of my favorite bad TV show.

Today, I want to change things up a bit.

Today, Abby Gabs readers, I’m going to share with you the thing I love most about summer. (Aside from watermelon and the beach.)

There are 3…yes 3…TV shows that make summer worth waiting for. In the throes of deepest winter (which in SC means we have to wear real shoes, not flip flops) I long for these shows. When warm weather rolls around, and regular season TV is coming to an end, do I mourn?

Nay, good readers.

I dance a jig at the thought that these 3 shows will be premiering soon. And that my week nights are getting ready to be MOST entertaining.

Dying to know what those shows are yet, Reader? Well, let me tell you all about them.

Show #3: America’s Got Talent
I used to be a major reality show junky. Back in the beginning, I was hooked on them all: Survivor, The Biggest Loser, American Idol, Top Chef, America’s Next Top Model, Project Runway. In the end, I discarded them all. These formula shows are always the same: someone gets in a fight, someone hates someone else, someone has a tragic and sad background, someone says something outrageous, and then someone gets sent home.

But one of two glowing examples (the second one coming up later in this countdown) are the exceptions to the rule.

I find AGT to be ENDLESSLY entertaining. I’m partial to the audition process of this show as opposed to the live shows, personally…and here’s why:

In short: You NEVER KNOW what you’re going to get. I’ve seen 70+ year olds tap-dancing, 4 year olds break-dancing, and a male pole dancer. There are singers, bands, magicians, knife swallowers, and acrobats. In truth, the bad auditions are JUST as entertaining as the good ones. It was Terry Fator that made me a fan of the show–and with the addition of Howie Mandel as a judge, and Nick Cannon as the MC—I’m officially adding this to my Summer Favorites list.

Show #2: True Blood:
Friends, a word to the wise. If you have never seen True Blood, watch it. Don’t have HBO? Order it. Or if you don’t want to do that, Netflix season 1. I guarantee, by the end of the first episode, you’ll have your cable provider on the phone.

Having to wait from August to June every year for this show to come back on is EXCRUTIATING. I’ve even taken to reading the Sookie Stackhouse series, written by Charlaine Harris, just to get my True Blood fix. This show is funny, witty, bizarre, gory, and definitely rated M for mature.

The thing that makes this show SO compelling, and I think most fans will agree with me, are the plot twists. Every single episodes ends in such an abrupt manner, you’re left mouth agape, wanting more.

Now, I’d love to give you a few videos to watch so I could get you hooked, but let’s just say that I couldn’t find one remotely PG enough to put on my blog. So, I’ll tell you about my favorite characters instead.  (Choosing my favorite characters was really hard, so be appreciative, ok? It took me an hour to choose just three.)

First up, Lafayette:

I love Lafayette for three reasons. Number one: He’s hilarious. His sarcastic humor is exactly what I find to be funny. Number two: He’s 100% comfortable being a flamboyantly gay, sometimes cross-dressing, drug dealing line cook. I love his confidence. And number three: He is, hands down, the most quotable character on the show. The one that has worked its way into my everyday vocabulary? (And please excuse the curse word…)

“If she talked anymore shit, she’d look like a turd.”


Favorite Character Number Two: Jason Stackhouse

He’s gorgeous. But he’s dumber than a box of rocks. He’s always confused. He never says the right thing. And he always follows his brain (the one located south of his belly button.) And that’s why I love Jason Stackhouse.

Favorite Character Number 3: Eric Northman

*Drool.* No other explanation needed.

I’m just now noticing that all my favorite characters are men. There are women on this show, too, I swear. I love Tara. And Arlene is a hoot. And let’s not forget about Sookie….ok, I’d better move on before this turns into a True Blood blog.

Show #1: So You Think You Can Dance:
This is my favorite. Show. Ever. (Except for Buffy.)  I always record every episode, so I can watch the really great routines over and over again. I’ve watched every single season, and I can tell you my favorite dancers, my favorite choreographers, and my favorite routines from all 7 of them (and a few from this season, too.) I discuss this show at length with my friends and family, and look forward to it all year long.

When I’m really in the mood for the show, but it’s still months away, I turn to YouTube for comfort. There you’ll find a treasure trove of the best SYTYCD moments, saved for posterity (and rabid fans of the show, like me.)

Even harder than choosing my favorite 3 True Blood characters will be choosing 3 clips of my favorite routines, but I will try.

I had a serious love affair with Season 2. I’m SURE there have been dances since then…and Lacey/Neil were Season 3….but Season 2 was my favorite.

And I could’ve put up 10 more videos, for your information.

And I’d also like to note that there were several videos in line ahead of a few of these….but I couldn’t find them, or they were crappy quality, or I couldn’t share them (for some stupid reason.)

And I’m realizing now, as this blog comes to a close, that this all may not be your cup of tea. But rest assured, I had a wonderful time researching it as it was being written. :0)

What Happens When You Cross Cough Medicine with Bad TV?

A few days ago, while in the deepest throes of flu-induced lunacy, B and I took to our favorite pastime–watching bad TV.   There we were, snuggled up on the couch under our favorite afghan, channel-surfing our hearts out, until B finally landed on one of our new favorite shows, Inside American Jail.

Now, in case you’ve never seen this show, here’s a brief synopsis. It’s produced by the creators of Cops (SCORE!) so already, you know it’s going to be hilarious. It details what goes on behind-the-scenes, once the bad guys have been carted off to jail. Gone are the brief roadside encounters with Billy Bob and his “I Didn’t Do It Officer” t-shirts. Now we get to spend the night in the drunk tank with Billy Bob, and watch all his colorful attempts to convince the officers that he was NOT, in fact, “Drunk In Public.”

This particular episode featured a young man named Evan, who claimed to be a “child of God,” and thereby innocent, despite being drunk, disorderly, disobedient, and downright dumb. (How’s THAT for some alliteration?!?)

As Evan is being processed, he goes into a drunken, apologetic soliloquy in which he informs the officers (and, to our delight, the audience) that he was a child actor. Apparently, being a child actor, paired with the fact that you’re a child of God, means you can get obliterated on Jack Daniels and harass your friends and neighbors. But the best part of the speech, well…

Let the record reflect that I searched HIGH and LOW for this clip so I could share it with you. For HOURS. I couldn’t find it anywhere, and just quoting this guy wasn’t funny enough. So please ignore my lack-of-shower, no-makeup self in my very own imitation of Evan’s drunk speech…or at least the parts we could understand. (It’s all in the name of comedy, after all…)

Anyone else think I sound like a mix between Forrest Gump and Bobby Boucher from The Water Boy?

Naturally, two things happened. 1) We laughed hysterically, and proceeded to quote him over and over for the next 3 days and 2) We immediately went all technological and turned to the internet to find out if his drunken speech had any validity.

Five minutes later, we were on the Internet Movie Database (best website EVER) searching for our favorite friendly drunk, Evan.

And shut my mouth, there he was. Evan Lockwood, IMDb’d. For the world to see. And he has 5 whole entires in his filmography: Fried Green Tomatoes, The Rambling Rose, some appearance in a TV series I’ve never heard of, and not one but TWO appearances on Inside American Jail. (And if that don’t beat all, you can find him on Facebook, too. He has Three Whole Friends.)

Now, under normal circumstances, this would’ve produced an interesting conversation with my husband. However, we can thank the copious amounts of psueodofed in my bloodstream for the following conversation:

A: (With toothbrush still in mouth) I wonder if you can create your own IMDb profile.
B: OH MY GOD I was just wondering the same thing.
A: Cuz I’ve only seen Fried Green Tomatoes once, when I was like 10, and I’ve never seen Ramblin’ Rose, so without watching those movies, how could we verify if he was even in them at all?
B: I bet he TOTALLY created that IMDb profile and put himself in those movies.
A: We could TOTALLY do that to YOU!
B: You’re thinking about your blog, aren’t you?
A: YES! We could put you in the MOVIES!
B: I’d only want to be in stuff that was on before I was born. Like Flipper. Or I Love Lucy.

Well, Brian…Your wish, as they say, is my command.

Oprah Knows Best

I’ve been a fan of the Oprah Winfrey show since she had the New Kids on the Block on way back in 1989.

(Yes, Brian, that was a vague Donnie Wahlberg reference…but don’t panic. That’s not what this blog is about, and I’ll always love you best.)

I watched Oprah with my Mom in elementary school, and learned about how to prevent a kidnapping (never let yourself be taken to the second location!), what anorexia looked like (remember Rudine?), and the fashion do’s and don’ts of the time (which didn’t do any of us much good, considering shoulder pads, neon green accessories, and big hair were all the rage back then.)

I continued watching through my high school and college years. I remember being thrilled when she introduced her Book Club in 1996. Finally, here was someone famous who would rather be face-first in a book than anywhere else in the world! I could totally relate to that, and I went with her on the journey through Anna Karenina, She’s Come Undone, A Million Little Pieces, White Oleandar, East of Eden, and more.

I’ve struggled with my weight right alongside Oprah. I’ve laughed at her antics with her best friend, Gayle King. I’ve watched her interview people who are famous for being movie stars, or musicians, or politicians. I’ve watched her interview people who just wanted to share their stories with the world, who wanted the mistake or catastrophe that happened in their life be a warning for us. I’ve recorded every episode of Oprah since we got our DVR back in 2004.

I subscribe to her magazine. I own the 20th Anniversary box set on DVD.

I’m one of the thousands of unsung “Ultimate Viewers” who didn’t get to go to Australia.

And now, for those who missed it (are you living under a rock?) her show is coming to an end. (Sad face.)

In case you’re not an Oprah fan, I’d like to share one of my favorite features of her O Magazine with you. In every issue, on the last page, Oprah shares what she knows for sure. It’s always something enlightening and inspiring.

I thought, “Hey, that’s a good idea for a blog. What does Abby know for sure?”

I’ll tell you.

What I Know For Sure:

I will always…let me stress, ALWAYS…choose the bag of Doritoes over the fruit salad in the fridge EVERYTIME. So don’t bring them in the house. (<——BRIAN!)

I’m always going to want my DVDs and CDs alphabetized. It may seem OCD to you, but it’s really just common sense.

While I’m “sort of” good at a lot of things, I’m not really great at any one thing. And I’m okay with that. I’m a “Jill of all trades.”

I will always be scared of spiders. Present them however you like—cute and furry and stuffed, top hat and roller skates, silly pencil sketch cartoon….doesn’t matter. Having eight legs is sinister and against all things natural.

Sometimes I’ll falter, and sometimes I’ll make mistakes, but I know I’ll spend the rest of my life striving to be a good wife, a good daughter, and a good friend.

There are some things in life I know I’ll never get to do: travel to Africa, competed on So You Think You Can Dance, visit the surface of the moon. All of that is a-okay with me (so long as I get to meet Donnie Wahlberg before I die.)

Ok, Bri, so, maybe I lied. A little.

Our Television-Watching Habits Are Questionable

My husband didn’t woo me in the traditional way. There were no fancy restaurants, flowers and candy, or moonlit walks on the beach. He left out the poetry, the love notes, and he never stood outside my window and held a boombox over his head. However, the first time we ever hung out, just the two of us, he wormed his way into my heart by revealing something about himself that I could totally relate to.

He loves “bad” TV.

As long as I can remember, one of my favorite things to do is turn on the TV, find something random/bizarre/colorful, and just enjoy. Now, I use the term “bad” loosely, because these shows aren’t awful, they’re just not necessarily what other people our age spend their time watching. They’re not the “hip” shows, the ones that win all the awards, the ones that people talk about over the water coolers. They’re the kinds of shows that you can find any day of the week, at just about any time, on more than one channel.

Here’s my Current Top Five List of the Best “Bad” TV shows:

#5: Trauma: Life in the ER
If you’ve never heard of this Discovery: Health phenomenon, you basically follow around a group of ER doctors and nurses for an hour, encountering all the same patients they do–gunshots, car accident victims, crazy homeless guys on PCP. And believe me when I say that they don’t leave anything to the imagination. This show is NOT for the faint-of-heart. This is reality TV at its finest. There’s blood, there’s swearing, there’s drunk people, there’s drama, there’s Laytex gloves….what else do you need?

This was the very first “bad” TV hubby and I ever snuggled up with. Romantic, right? When we first started dating, Brian came by my dorm room to hang out. He found me watching this show. His first reaction was, “Gross! Is that somebody’s eyeball???”

Ten minutes later, we were snuggled on my couch, engrossed (and slightly nauseous) as we watched a trauma doctor extract a piece of glass from a woman’s eye.

There was cringing. Shouts of “EWWW!” and “UGGGH!” There may have been gagging. But we were hopelessly hooked. Be forewarned, if you watch the clip below, that there may be stuff in there that you don’t want to see. But if you’re into “bad” TV…watch it. I dare you.

#4: America’s Funniest Home Videos
There isn’t a single person in this country who hasn’t seen this show. Seriously, it’s an American icon. And it is mindless, engaging, comical entertainment. Who doesn’t laugh out loud when a dude gets whacked in the head with a wiffleball bat? Who doesn’t find a music montage of groin hits hilarious? And don’t tell me you don’t guffaw when the guy gets pommeled by the avalanche of snow.

This show replaced cartoons for me. It was a staple in our house growing up, back in the days when Bob Saget abandoned his true calling and tried to take his “Danny Tanner” persona to prime time. (I can only imagine how hard it was for him not to curse while narrating the video clips. Seriously. Have you ever heard his stand-up???)

And now that AFV is back with the adorable Tom Bergeron, it has once again taken its time-honored time-slot on Sunday evenings. Our Sundays with my parents go like this: coffee, Dad’s famous breakfast, movie, Food Network, 2 hour discussion about what we’re having for dinner, grocery list, grocery shopping, I cook dinner, we eat dinner, we watch AFV.

After all, nothing is more entertaining than cats being funny.

#3 Any and all Countdowns
This one’s a little more vague. Because it doesn’t matter to us if it’s a countdown to the most notorious president on the History Channel, or a countdown of the top 50 one-hit-wonders on VH1. Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even matter if we start watching it on number 11. We’re going to watch it to the end. Seriously, don’t tease me. If “Whoomp, There It Is” is number 11, what can possibly be #1???

#2 The VH1 “I Heart The” Series
PLEASE tell me you’ve seen these. “I Heart the 70s,” “I Heart the 80s,” I Heart the 90’s,”Black to the Future”—-this is “bad” TV royalty, people!!! We’ve seen these specials a hundred times, and if we ever catch it on again, we watch it again. The music videos, the news coverage, the comedic commentary…these shows are classic.

If you ever wondered how Mo Rocca felt about the infamous Pee-Wee Herman arrest of 2002, this is the show for you. If you ever wanted to see the lead singer of Maroon Five sing all the lyrics to “Do the Humpty Hump,” this is the show for you. If you enjoy reminiscing about rubix cubes, Hall and Oates, and Quantum Leap, this show is for you.

Seriously, if you enjoy laughing out loud while facing memories from your childhood that you thought you’d forgotten, you will love these shows. I recommend the episodes from 1987, 1989, 1994, and 1997, respectively. Just watch this clip, and see what I mean. And if you want more, and it’s not on cable today, you can find a TON of clips on YouTube.

You’re welcome.

You totally saw that coming, didn’t you?

There is NO TV in the history of TV that is more entertaining than Cops. For reals, yo.

And the best part is that you can find this show on at just about any time of the day. On just about any channel. We’ve watched it on Fox, NBC, G4, TruTV, FX, Spike….we’ve even caught in on CMT. It’s on in the morning, it’s on in the afternoon, it’s on at night. It’s on a 3 in the morning.

Admit it. Cops is endless fun. You’ve got dope dealers wearing “Don’t Tase Me Bro” tshirts mumbling “I’m innocent” around their mouthful of recently-swallowed marijuana. You’ve got crazy drunk old guys who resemble Grizzly Adams peeing on a police car because he’s just THAT DRUNK. You’ve got a bottle-blonde on the warpath because her boyfriend, who had been pulled over for speeding, said the joint in the ashtray was HERS not HIS. And no episode of Cops is complete without some criminal telling the arresting officers that he wasn’t the person they were looking for, despite being caught on FILM and chased for 3 blocks. It seems to me that, in order to be a criminal, you need to have a PhD in back-pedaling.

I will say that, if there’s a small window when Cops isn’t on, we will settle for one of the shows featuring high-speed chases in a pinch.

But when it comes to “bad” TV, Cops always takes the cake.

*EDIT* It took me two hours to write this post. Not because I was having a bad writing day,  but because I watched at 30 minutes worth of video clips on YouTube. Particularly of the VH1 “I ♥ The” series. I’m serious, if you’re bored today, you have to go check them out. Mindless entertainment is the key to a blogger’s success.