Nothin’ To See Here (Except a Dance Party)

So I was messing around on my blog’s Facebook page yesterday, and I decided that, if I was ever going to maintain my internet celebrity status, I needed to get everybody on my friends’ list on board. So I sent out a huge wave of invites, hoping to pick up a few stragglers along the way.

I got twenty new page likes in a little less than two hours.

SHOCKING!

So I posted the following on my feed, hoping to inspire more folks to like and share the page:

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And it worked. I’m in awe of social media. I was up to 155 likes this morning–bringing my total of new likes to a whopping 34!!

I always keep my word, and so, as promised—for fans new and old alike, I give to you, an AbbyGabs jig.

Antarctica? Really??

Now that I’ve fully admitted to my shiny new love affair with Zachary Levi, I feel comfortable enough to tell you about my social media interactions with him. A few days ago, I checked my Twitter feed and found this:

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Shekinah is his sister. NOT his girlfriend. I googled it.

OK, I realize that he just finished up a Broadway show and that he’s currently between gigs right now, so a vacation with friends and family to somewhere remote and quiet is probably just the time off he needs.

But ANTARCTICA, Zachypoo? Really???

Since the post, I’ve been having all sorts of nightmares that jolt me awake at night shivering from the imagined cold and ice and wind and snow. They often involve my love fighting off/being eaten/running away from one of the many forms of wildlife that roam the frozen tundra of the Arctic.

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It terrifies me down to my very toes. Couldn’t he have chosen a warmer locale? A place where the only “death” he would have to worry about is Tiki Death Punch? Wouldn’t it be so much more relaxing to have your toes in the sand rather than in danger of frostbite? Am I the only one who doesn’t understand this vacation spot choice??

I mean, I’m sure the Antarcticans are thrilled to have him. Who wouldn’t be? He was a sexy-nerd-turned-international-super-spy on TV’s CHUCK for 5 years. I’m sure they’ve rolled out the red carpet for Zac and his friends.

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Were I a penguin, I’d be standing there in all my fuzzy glory wearing my Nerd Herd t-shirt and waving around a “KISS ME ZAC” sign with the rest of them. But alas, I am a southern girl, and cold to me means 40 degrees with relative humidity. Forty below? Sorry, Zac. I’m out.

Perhaps I should launch a Twitter campaign to convince him to come back home. I’d be glad to meet him in Southern California, and I’m pretty sure I could make his Antarctica dreams come true. We could just go into his apartment/house/condo/mansion, close the blinds, turn the AC down as low as it could go, and share a pot of homemade hot chocolate in our very special mugs.

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And if he was still bored and wanted something more exhilarating to connect him to Mother Nature, I’d just pop “Free Willy” or “Sharknado” into the DVD player and we’d be all set. Sounds like the PERFECT week off to me.

He probably wouldn’t go for it. But I still think it’s important to warn Zac, his posse, and the Antarctic officials that it’s imperative that they don’t let Zachary Levi walk around smiling the whole time he’s in Antarctica. With that 1000-watt smile? It would finish off the already-melting ice caps, and we’d all be in some serious danger.

To match feature CLIMATE/ANTARCTICA

So, a note to recap…

Dear Zac,
If you see a polar bear, please stay far enough away from it that it doesn’t sniff you out and try to chase you down. I’m not the only one who thinks you’re a tasty morsel. Secondly, the penguins may be your biggest fans, but they smell bad and will just run away if you try to hug them. I, however, do NOT smell and will NOT run away from a hug. Also, my offer still stands. I’ve gotten my AC down to at least 60 before–and I make a mean pot of hot chocolate. I can also spray you in the face with ice water, if you’re going for realism. And finally—watch that smile, pal. Global warming is a real thing–be kind to the environment and keep those pearly whites under lock and key.
Love,
Your Shiny New Pretend Stalker Girlfriend

The Internet = Time Suck Central. Hooray!

As if there wasn’t already Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, Flickr, YouTube, Reddit, Google Plus, IMDB, and AbbyGabs (of course), now there’s a newfangled website that could potentially take up all of what’s left of my free time. (Which, to be honest, I didn’t think there was much of…until I found this new Facebook app. Then I learned I had at least forty-five minutes of free time. Who knew?)

Bitstrips is my new favorite thing.

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Actually, it combines three of my favorite things: cartoons, bad puns, and humiliating my friends.

Here’s how it works: you create your own avatar using the tools provided. Now I have to say, in apps past, these tools haven’t been so swell. But with Bitstrips, you can be very selective from everything to your hairstyle to your pupil size! I have to admit…I was pretty impressed with my avatar:

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She even looks a little sarcastic. I like it.

Once you’ve created your very own cartooned self, you’re off to the races. A simple click of the “done” button, and the app puts you into several hilarious scenarios that you can share to your favorite social media sites.

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HA. Spoiler alert. Get it? *Snort* Not only does Bitstrips really understand just how large a plus-size girl’s forearms can be, it also really understands my sense of humor.

As if that isn’t enough fun already, now you can create comics starring you and your friends! Some of them may have already created their own avatars (this app is sweeping across Facebook like wildfire.) But if they don’t–never fear! You can create their cartoons for them! This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you depict them. (If you’re looking to stay in their good graces, I’d avoid the double chin and stripper costume.)

Once you’ve whipped up an avatar for your best pal, the time has come to allow Bitstrips to do their thang…one click and VOILA! Comic strip gold!

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Now, let me point out that I did not choose the background for this comic strip. Bitstrips did that for me. I did, however, have the option to go in and add dialogue or change the caption, which is how I came up with this Doctor Who-inspired cartoon of Jenna and me. Brilliant.

Sometimes, however, the editing process simply isn’t needed, because Bitstrips comes up with the perfect scenario for the perfect cartoon. For instance, take this one of Brian and me:

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Is there anything funnier than fart humor? No, not really. Even classy people laugh at fart jokes.

The best part of this app, though, is that every single day it creates new comics for you to enjoy. I can’t wait to see what hilarity tomorrow brings!

Bitstrips didn’t hire me to write this blog, and I’m not being paid for it. I should be, because it’s awesome, but this is just an opinion piece about an app I found to be fun. You should try it out! And if you’re the president of Bitstrips and you’d like to offer me a coffer full of gold, I’d be happy to accept.

It’s Official: We’re On a Break.

My name is Abby, and I’m the author and CEO of AbbyGabs (dot) com. I am preparing this statement today in order to share with you my feelings regarding the newly publicized relationship between my pretend celebrity boyfriend, Mr. Donald Edmond Wahlberg, Jr., and one Jennifer “Jenny” Ann McCarthy.

Photo credit goes to Rex Features photographer, Sara Jaye. Embellishment credit goes to me, because it's my blog and I'll draw on celebrities if I want to.

Photo credit goes to Rex Features photographer, Sara. Embellishment credit goes to me, because it’s my blog and I’ll draw on celebrities if I want to.

On September 9, 2013, the couple officially announced their relationship on the popular daytime program, “The View.” I witnessed them hugging, kissing, and touching (all while seated relatively close to Barbara Walters. For shame.) He also reportedly filled Ms. McCarthy’s dressing room with balloons and flowers, and has been seen on countless other daytime shows discussing his new state of happiness in the land of lust love.


(I will say that I was impressed that Ms. McCarthy included “the Blockheads” in her adoration of Donnie’s butt. However, unless she can provide photographic evidence of herself in braces sporting an original New Kids on the Block t-shirt from 1991, I will continue to call her status as “Blockhead” into question.)

The pair revealed in this interview that they’d started seeing each other seriously “sometime around the fourth of July.” Let the record reflect that that was mere weeks after my own rendezvous with Donnie in Charlotte.

I would like to be clear on two points: 1) I wish nothing but happiness for Mr. Wahlberg and will always have a soft spot for him in my heart. And 2) I have nothing against Ms. McCarthy (with the exception of her misleading anti-vaccination campaign and her crude Candies ad from the 90s). May happiness rain down upon them both.

I am not bitter. In fact, I’m happy for Donnie. I will always love him and support him and scream for him when he takes off his shirt on his hit television drama, Blue Bloods. But hearts have a way of mending themselves, especially when the fun of searching for a new celebrity boyfriend begins. And so now, I’d like to make a formal announcement.

There is new fake love in my life.

Nathan Fillion

Some of you may have wondered what was going on between me and Nathan back when I first started posting about ComicCon (particularly when my countdown featured him in a ‘front and center’ manner.) The truth is, we’d already started communicating through Twitter, and we actually met up at this year’s Nerd HQ. One thing led to another, and well…I was always meant to be with a Captain, really.

And so, in conclusion, I’d like to thank all of you who supported my stalking relationship with Donnie Wahlberg. We will always be close–in fact, I Tweeted him just this morning. But I hope you can all be happy for Nathan and me, as our relatively new pretend relationship grows. You’ll be interested to know that we enjoy cosplaying together. We love Saturday-long Star Trek marathons. And he’s even teaching me a little Chinese. How cool is that?

If this is your first time visiting AbbyGabs in a few days, you’ll notice a brand new design. Thanks to pal and fellow blogger, Carrie Baughcum of Heck Awesome, for her support, inspiration, and creativity throughout this process!

And to those who worry I’ve lost my bonkers because I’m leaving Donnie Wahlberg, here’s a little secret between you and me: I still intend to stalk him on Twitter. Maybe just not as religiously as I’ll be stalking Nathan for awhile, as my heart heals.

Paul Bunyan Is A B***H

My life is sort of chaotic right now. And not in a good way. It sort of feels like Paul Bunyan picked up my life, shook it around, and left it all topsy-turvy.

Paul Bunyan

That wasn’t very nice of you, Mr. Bunyan. Seriously. Don’t you have trees to plant?

Oh, wait…that’s Johnny Appleseed. My bad.

Anywhoo, without going into great detail, let me reassure you that I am fine, Brian is fine, and our families and friends are all fine. We are just under a great deal of stress (work-related, mostly) and we are busy trying to pick up the pieces from Paul’s rampage.

Needless to say, I’ve been looking for any and all ways to relax lately. One of the ways I put a smile back on my face is to visit one of my very favorite blogs, The Pintester, written by the hilarious Sonja Foust. Her posts are always snort-worthy, so much so that I recently bought and read her book: Vampires and Tantric Sex: How To Publish Your Book Like A Bona Fide Badass (co-written by Lisa Creech Bledsoe).

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Not only did this book teach me valuable stuff, and helped me to create a clearer path toward publishing my own book of badassery, it kept me in stitches for all twelve chapters. It was awesome. All my writer friends should check it out.

But this post isn’t about Sonja’s book. Nay, this post is about me finding my smile again by visiting her blog. When I clicked over this morning, I was already smiling when I realized she’d posted a video blog. (She is my vlog s-hero. They never, ever, ever disappoint.) Then I watched it and realized she was hosting a contest.

Hooray! Contests!

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I would have entered if she’d offered me a stale cookie that she found under her couch, because 1) I love cookies and 2) I love entering contests. But when I found out that, through SlimFast Sweepstakes, she was offering a ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR GIFT CARD from SpaFinder.com, I was like, WHAAAAA???

It’s like she knew that we’d been struck by the evil brute Bunyan, and that I needed a reason to keep from drinking a chocolate bourbon milkshake while at work today.

So I entered in all the ways possible (including this here blog post.) You should enter, too! (Except you shouldn’t, because I really want to win. But if you do, I won’t hold it against you. So long as you take me with you on your spa excursion.)

So thanks, Sonja–for the daily chuckles, for my new Book Publishing Bible, for giving me something to aspire to with my own video blogs, and for giving me the opportunity to win a prize that will allow me to soak my tired feet in cucumber-scented water. I love you. *SOB*