Now that I’ve fully admitted to my shiny new love affair with Zachary Levi, I feel comfortable enough to tell you about my social media interactions with him. A few days ago, I checked my Twitter feed and found this:
OK, I realize that he just finished up a Broadway show and that he’s currently between gigs right now, so a vacation with friends and family to somewhere remote and quiet is probably just the time off he needs.
But ANTARCTICA, Zachypoo? Really???
Since the post, I’ve been having all sorts of nightmares that jolt me awake at night shivering from the imagined cold and ice and wind and snow. They often involve my love fighting off/being eaten/running away from one of the many forms of wildlife that roam the frozen tundra of the Arctic.
It terrifies me down to my very toes. Couldn’t he have chosen a warmer locale? A place where the only “death” he would have to worry about is Tiki Death Punch? Wouldn’t it be so much more relaxing to have your toes in the sand rather than in danger of frostbite? Am I the only one who doesn’t understand this vacation spot choice??
I mean, I’m sure the Antarcticans are thrilled to have him. Who wouldn’t be? He was a sexy-nerd-turned-international-super-spy on TV’s CHUCK for 5 years. I’m sure they’ve rolled out the red carpet for Zac and his friends.
Were I a penguin, I’d be standing there in all my fuzzy glory wearing my Nerd Herd t-shirt and waving around a “KISS ME ZAC” sign with the rest of them. But alas, I am a southern girl, and cold to me means 40 degrees with relative humidity. Forty below? Sorry, Zac. I’m out.
Perhaps I should launch a Twitter campaign to convince him to come back home. I’d be glad to meet him in Southern California, and I’m pretty sure I could make his Antarctica dreams come true. We could just go into his apartment/house/condo/mansion, close the blinds, turn the AC down as low as it could go, and share a pot of homemade hot chocolate in our very special mugs.
And if he was still bored and wanted something more exhilarating to connect him to Mother Nature, I’d just pop “Free Willy” or “Sharknado” into the DVD player and we’d be all set. Sounds like the PERFECT week off to me.
He probably wouldn’t go for it. But I still think it’s important to warn Zac, his posse, and the Antarctic officials that it’s imperative that they don’t let Zachary Levi walk around smiling the whole time he’s in Antarctica. With that 1000-watt smile? It would finish off the already-melting ice caps, and we’d all be in some serious danger.
So, a note to recap…
If you see a polar bear, please stay far enough away from it that it doesn’t sniff you out and try to chase you down. I’m not the only one who thinks you’re a tasty morsel. Secondly, the penguins may be your biggest fans, but they smell bad and will just run away if you try to hug them. I, however, do NOT smell and will NOT run away from a hug. Also, my offer still stands. I’ve gotten my AC down to at least 60 before–and I make a mean pot of hot chocolate. I can also spray you in the face with ice water, if you’re going for realism. And finally—watch that smile, pal. Global warming is a real thing–be kind to the environment and keep those pearly whites under lock and key.
Your Shiny New Pretend Stalker Girlfriend