Motherhood changes a lot of things: your daily schedule goes from “All About Me” to “All About Baby;” the amount of sleep needed to function changes from 10 hours per night to two; how much time you spend watching Sesame Street increases exponentially; and the sheer volumes of coffee required for daily activities makes you consider buying stock in Folgers. But the one thing that has changed the most, for me, (other than the lack of free time I now have to stalk Zachary Levi on Twitter) is the stuff I hear myself saying on a daily basis.
Seriously, guys. At least three times a day, I have this moment:
So, for your reading pleasure, here’s a quick list of just a few of the things that have come out of my mouth and made me question my sanity.
“Pooping in the tub is rude. And gross. Mostly just gross.”
“If it hurts when you hit yourself in the head, then don’t do it!”
“If you pee on me, you’re grounded.”
“So that’s what a Cheerios-and-green bean burp smells like…”
“Oh, honey! It’s toilet paper, not confetti!”
“Poop is not for playing with!!!”
“The cat is not a chew toy, dear.”
“I know they smell nice, but bananas are NOT shampoo.”
“Don’t eat ___________!” (Insert items at your own will, and don’t be afraid to be creative here. Answers might include, but aren’t limited to: Daddy’s shoes, carpet fuzz, the remote, your foot.)
“Where did you find that _______?” (Insert items at your own will, and don’t be afraid to be creative here. Answers might include, but aren’t limited to: that old BandAid, pair of Mommy’s underwear, three-week old petrified noodle, phone book from 2003.)
“I know the Desitin looks creamy and delicious, but trust me when I say it’s not.”
And finally, the coup de grace…
“Your butt is not a set of bongos. Especially when covered in poop.”