You’ll Think This Post Is About Kittens (But It’s Not)

I spent the morning playing with our kitten, Fitz.

Fitz BnW small

He is darling, and hilarious, and the most loving little kitten we’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing…but that’s not what this post is about.

As I waggled his chicken toy at him, and giggled like a maniac as he pounced, a conversation I had with a friend recently popped into my brain. I’m not sure what caused it–the conversation had nothing to do with kittens–and yet, I heard her voice in my head, clear as a bell.

“You deserve to have whatever you want. Don’t let anyone else influence you
to the point that you give up on your dream.”

I watched Fitz wiggling his bum, preparing for another pounce, and let those words reverberate around in my brain. You know, that friend of mine makes a really valid point. We live in a society where it’s as easy as a few key strikes to shout your opinion from the social media rooftops. There are some topics of conversation that bring out the opinions quicker than a horse at a hay party—like politics, religion, sporting teams, and parenting.

Who knew adoption was on that list?

We’ve heard a plethora of comments from strangers, acquaintances, and friends alike when they learn of our choice to adopt. Most of them are normal questions filled with curiosity about the process–all valid and easily answered. Others are honest questions that people don’t realize can have a touch of ‘judgey’ to them — “Oh, well, didn’t you look into In-Vitro?” (Yes.) And “Oh, I’ve heard that’s expensive. On your salary?” (Yes.)  And “You should adopt from Africa/Germany/Haiti. They have a lot of kids that need homes.” (So does America.)

But the judgement doesn’t stop there. Nay. I have MANY mommy friends who have already started preparing me for the stern faces I will get when I ultimately choose formula over breastfeeding (sort of a necessity since, you know, adopting), public school over home school (I have to work, sadly), and Huggies over cloth diapers (because poo is gross.)

I’ve been so desperate to pledge the Sorority of Mothers that this side of the sisterhood wasn’t something I was prepared for. I always thought of it as a large group of strong, independent, thoughtful women who supported each other in this quest of raising kids to be prosperous, helpful, kind adults.

As it turns out, apparently moms are more interested in policing your child’s grooming habits, party etiquette, and food choices than being all “Kumbaya” about parenting.

judgey mom

Since I’m already getting hit with that judgement, and I’m still only pledging said sorority, it makes me wonder just how much worse it can get. And since I’m a newbie, I tend to want to take everything a Mom shares with me about her journey straight to heart.

Ultimately, here are the bullet points I want people to know:
We chose private domestic adoption. It wasn’t something we decided to do on a whim; we researched and discussed and soul-searched, and it was the best fit for our family.
We chose to pursue adopting an infant. Yes, I know they cry a lot, and I won’t sleep at all, and I’ll pray for the days when they’re old enough to tell me they want juice rather than just raising their voices to the sky in the hopes that I will understand that WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIL means JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUICE. But I want a baby. I want to experience it ALL. And why shouldn’t I get what I want just because my body won’t make a baby on its own?
We did NOT choose to be infertile. So no amount of offering to pray for us, or asking us about our sex life, or questioning our choice of adoption over fertility treatments isn’t going to change the fact that we probably can’t get pregnant. At least without a doctor’s help. And even with that help, we have less than a 30% chance of conceiving.

So when my very wise friend made her very valid point the other day, while she was talking about our decision to adopt an infant, it could really be applied to all facets of parenthood. Hell–it SHOULD be applied to all facets of LIFE.

If you DREAM of getting rid of all your worldly possessions in trade for an RV so you can travel the country like gypsies—don’t let your paranoid and clingy best friend change your mind.

If you DREAM of quitting your day job so you can open a tiny pizzeria—don’t let something as trivial as ‘expectations’ change your mind.

If you DREAM of being a mother to a squalling, incontinent, impossible-to-please tiny human being—don’t let anyone else’s opinion about children change your mind!

After all, the other piece of advice this wise friend gave me? “You deserve to be just as miserable and exhausted as every other new mom in the world.” And she’s right. I totally do.

5 thoughts on “You’ll Think This Post Is About Kittens (But It’s Not)

  1. Carrie Baughcum

    She is absolutely right! I am often surprised at the opinions others feel the need to not just share…I’m ok with opinions but to say and then treat us a certain way if our beliefs don’t match theirs. Everyone brings with them their own experi ices and beliefs. They effect all of what we do. Regardless of how I feel about something (unless it’s awful, unsafe…) I don’t judge. I simply think it’s not my way but that’s ok. It amazes me what people will say or think that their unfiltered and unkind words are ok to release on others. Not all mothers are like the ones you mentioned. Surround yourself with the ones that love and support you unconditionally…there are too be of us out there!!!

    1. ThatGabbyAbby Post author

      I’m very fortunate to already be surrounded by a group of women that I know will support me 100% –even though our opinions about some things don’t always match. I’ll be looking to moms like you for advice!!!

  2. Violet Tempest (@vtempest4)

    Wow, just WOW. It’s unbelievable they way some people think they know better than you do about your life. You know I’m behind you 100%. 🙂 Love ya dear friend, and yes you deserve ALL the ups and downs of parenthood. 🙂

  3. Stephanie

    We started the adoption process at one point, looking to adopt a child from foster care. Sadly, we had to move out of province, and starting over was just too complicated, since we knew that as a military family we’d probably have to move again before the process was complete. Anyway, the WORST comment I got was a co-worker who asked me – quite seriously, I might add – “Won’t your parents be disappointed if they never have real grandchildren?”. Haha! I can’t even think about it without bursting into laughter. Honestly, the rights that people give themselves to judge and meddle in other people’s lives are flabbergasting.

    You’ll be a great mom. I look forward to the post announcing your new baby-to-be…hopefully very, dry soon!

    1. ThatGabbyAbby Post author

      I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you! I hope you’ve found some peace, and that your journey toward parenthood hasn’t ended yet. It’s a complicated thing, this adoption process. Thank you for your support and understanding!

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