Twenty Questions, Revisisted

A few months ago, I reached out to my friends, family, and readers, and asked them to submit questions for a video blog. They did, and it turned out to be one of my favorite vlogs I’ve ever done.
 
However, there was one friend and reader who went above and beyond the call of duty. The questions she sent me were so fantastic, so funny, and SO PERFECT for Abby Gabs, that I just had to revisit our interview, and post them for you here. Prepare to laugh, because my pal Rachel is one funny gal. 
 
 

Rachel: It’s said that you turned down the role of Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind because Clark Gable was unwilling to leave you in the final, crucial scene. On her deathbed, Vivian Leigh cursed you for upstaging her at the premiere where this tidbit came out. Tell us… Did she really give birth to a litter of puppies at that event? And what happened to those said puppies?
 
Abby: I cannot confirm or deny the rumor of puppies, as I was too busy flirting with Gable and wowing the cameras with my authentic 1930s hairdo. Also, I was giggling in the corner with the Doctor, because how else could I have gone back in time to upstage Leigh, without the transportation of the TARDIS?
 

R: You’ve been offered the role of love interest in the new Transformers movie. Michael Bay has offered to Photoshop Megan Fox out of the previous movies. Your own love interest, Brian, is a huge Transformers fan. Will these men influence your decision to accept the role?

 

A: I had originally turned down the role until Mark Wahlberg, Donnie’s brother, contacted me and begged me to do it. I don’t normally accept roles under those conditions, but as I’m a close, personal friend of the Wahlbergs, I decided to join the cast so I can work with Mark again.


However, I really don’t care what Bay decides to do about Megan Fox. She dug her grave, and now she has to lie in it with cast-off copies of her, *ahem*, “movie,” Jennifer’s Body.
 
R: We’ve all seen the made-for-TV movie, That Gabby Abby. It’s a required course in 47 of the 48 continuous states’ 5th grade education. How does it make you feel that North Dakota refuses to make it a required course as well?

A: I applaud any and all states’ rights to create their own laws, so long as it does not interfere with my bank account. Therefore, I will be staging a peaceful protest on the North Dakota/South Dakota border in the upcoming months. There will be cupcakes, people waving signs around, and a New Kids on the Block cover band. I’m working on getting a cameo appearance by Donnie Wahlberg himself, but he still hasn’t confirmed the dates with me as of yet. By the time I’m through, North Dakota will adore me, and my film will be forced down the throats of adolescents in the snowy north as well.

R: You’re running for President this year. What is your stance on jeggings and should they be illegal?

A: Here is my public service announcement about that very subject.


R: You come from humble beginnings, and yet you decided to turn down Brangelina’s offer to give you their mansion in California. Your landlord went on national television to offer to take down the wood paneling in your country flat, but you refused citing his love for ’70s wood paneling and your respect for it. This has sparked a trendy design craze for the wood paneling and designers praise you for your bold statement. There are rumors that you’ll be using orange shag carpeting in your home next… Are they true?

A: I was high at that television interview with my landlord. Wood paneling sucks. It should be ripped from every wall in America and burned in a giant bonfire. We’ll call it an effigy to bad taste and horrible design. 

I don’t mind shag carpet, though.

R: When you bought the new iPhone 5, Siri began speaking exclusively to you, neglecting all other iPhone 5 users and forcing Apple to attempt to correct the glitch. Siri responded by detaching herself from the Apple mainframe and becoming the first recorded sentient computer program. She now claims the title of Abby’s BFF and there have been several attempts on the lives of other people who attempt to claim the title as well. Do you feel responsible for her actions?

A: Siri can be difficult to read. She tends to have a split personality, especially when asked questions regarding the space/time continuum, when giving directions to Mars, and when fielding that difficult question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. I cannot comment on the attempted murder claim, as my lawyer advises me against it. What I will say is that Siri is great. She is so great. She is, like, the best friend, ever…I swear…
 
R: A new phenomenon has been sweeping the world. Leading scientists cannot explain why spiders are giving birth to and randomly turning into fluffy bunnies. Some speculate that it is a direct reaction to the revelation in the Broadway musical hit, That Gabby Abby starting Merryl Streep, that you are frightened of spiders. What are your thoughts?

A: To Drs. Hoffstetter and Cooper, who are leading this research, I send you a huge thanks. Spiders give me the willies. And bunnies are adorable!

R: The New Kids On The Block have recently announced a brand new tour. Donnie Whalberg has gone public with his love for you and has even named the tour, “Abby Will You Marry Me?” He regularly Photoshops himself into pictures with you and has blogged about his obsession many times. You have made it very clear that you love and are faithful to your cabana boy, Brian, going so far as to marry him. What advice would you give others with this level of unrequited love?

A: Ah, unrequited love. It’s a sneaky, painful, careless mistress. Here are my tips to those who suffer this terrible fate.
    1: Be kind. Regardless of your feelings, there are others in the world who would give anything for a kind word from you. 
    2: Be cautious over the words that you choose, but don’t be afraid to share a little piece of yourself with your fans, just to make their own lives a little more meaningful.
    3: Try to refrain from posting too many racy photographs of yourself on Twitter. Sure, it’s fun to get the fans all whipped up into a frenzy, but it’s taxing on their hearts. Give sparingly, but give.


Thanks, Rachel, for sending me the most creative questions, ever. I hope you are suitably impressed. 🙂

3 thoughts on “Twenty Questions, Revisisted

  1. Stephanie

    Who is this Rachel and does she write? Because I think I’m maybe a little bit in love with her. (Don’t be jealous, Abby. No one will ever replace you in my heart of hearts.) But Rachel? Call me? Please?

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