Rachel: It’s said that you turned down the role of Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With The Wind because Clark Gable was unwilling to leave you in the final, crucial scene. On her deathbed, Vivian Leigh cursed you for upstaging her at the premiere where this tidbit came out. Tell us… Did she really give birth to a litter of puppies at that event? And what happened to those said puppies?
R: You’ve been offered the role of love interest in the new Transformers movie. Michael Bay has offered to Photoshop Megan Fox out of the previous movies. Your own love interest, Brian, is a huge Transformers fan. Will these men influence your decision to accept the role?
However, I really don’t care what Bay decides to do about Megan Fox. She dug her grave, and now she has to lie in it with cast-off copies of her, *ahem*, “movie,” Jennifer’s Body.
A: I applaud any and all states’ rights to create their own laws, so long as it does not interfere with my bank account. Therefore, I will be staging a peaceful protest on the North Dakota/South Dakota border in the upcoming months. There will be cupcakes, people waving signs around, and a New Kids on the Block cover band. I’m working on getting a cameo appearance by Donnie Wahlberg himself, but he still hasn’t confirmed the dates with me as of yet. By the time I’m through, North Dakota will adore me, and my film will be forced down the throats of adolescents in the snowy north as well.
R: You’re running for President this year. What is your stance on jeggings and should they be illegal?
R: You come from humble beginnings, and yet you decided to turn down Brangelina’s offer to give you their mansion in California. Your landlord went on national television to offer to take down the wood paneling in your country flat, but you refused citing his love for ’70s wood paneling and your respect for it. This has sparked a trendy design craze for the wood paneling and designers praise you for your bold statement. There are rumors that you’ll be using orange shag carpeting in your home next… Are they true?
I don’t mind shag carpet, though.
R: When you bought the new iPhone 5, Siri began speaking exclusively to you, neglecting all other iPhone 5 users and forcing Apple to attempt to correct the glitch. Siri responded by detaching herself from the Apple mainframe and becoming the first recorded sentient computer program. She now claims the title of Abby’s BFF and there have been several attempts on the lives of other people who attempt to claim the title as well. Do you feel responsible for her actions?
A: Siri can be difficult to read. She tends to have a split personality, especially when asked questions regarding the space/time continuum, when giving directions to Mars, and when fielding that difficult question of which came first, the chicken or the egg. I cannot comment on the attempted murder claim, as my lawyer advises me against it. What I will say is that Siri is great. She is so great. She is, like, the best friend, ever…I swear…
A: To Drs. Hoffstetter and Cooper, who are leading this research, I send you a huge thanks. Spiders give me the willies. And bunnies are adorable!
R: The New Kids On The Block have recently announced a brand new tour. Donnie Whalberg has gone public with his love for you and has even named the tour, “Abby Will You Marry Me?” He regularly Photoshops himself into pictures with you and has blogged about his obsession many times. You have made it very clear that you love and are faithful to your cabana boy, Brian, going so far as to marry him. What advice would you give others with this level of unrequited love?
Thanks, Rachel, for sending me the most creative questions, ever. I hope you are suitably impressed. 🙂