The Post Where I Totally Solve Marvel’s Biggest Problem

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WARNING: This post may contain spoilers about the latest movie in the Spiderman franchise (The Amazing Spiderman). I won’t give away any MAJOR plot details, but if you’d rather be left completely in the dark, then this post may not be for you. Just sayin’.
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Fresh from a major victory over Donnie Wahlberg, Brian decided that yesterday was going to be a 100% Abby-and-Brian, no distractions, Just Us Day. He treated me to lunch (sushi–yay!). We toodled around Target and World Market. We held hands. We talked about our bright future, discussed design ideas for our (eventual) new home, and weighed the pros and cons of Toyota versus Chevy for our (sooner-but-still-eventual) new car. 
But the highlight of date day? An afternoon matinee viewing of “The Amazing Spiderman.”
Now, let me be clear. Spiderman has never been one of my favorite Marvel characters. There are several reasons for that, the main one being…well….this:
More than 6 legs = demon from the depths of hell. Remember?

And while I enjoyed the first two movies in the last Spiderman series, I never particularly found Tobey Maguire to be the right choice for Peter Parker. Yes, he had the awkward, nerdy, outcast thing going on. But the slight-swagger and sarcasm? Maguire never had a chance. Not to mention the whole “jazz hands” incident of Spiderman 3 that left me cold in my theater seat.

James Brown? Seriously? 

BUT, it was Abby-and-Brian, no holds barred, Just Us Day. And my hubby wanted to see “The Amazing Spiderman.” In fact, he was downright excited about it. So, off we went, 3-D glasses in hand. As the theater went dark, Brian leaned over and whispered, “Looks like it’s going to be a private screening.” I glanced around and realized that, other than one dude sitting in the very back row, we were indeed the only ones in the room. “Cool,” I whispered. “That way, when I scream about ALL THE SPIDERS, it’ll be less embarrassing.”

Brian laughed, squeezed my hand reassuringly, and said, “Don’t worry, honey. It’s just the ONE spider.”

Bolstered by my husband’s insistence that I’d only have to endure one creepy-crawly, I sat back and enjoyed the previews. 

And then…

The movie started.

With a GIANT spider web literally CRAWLING with spiders across the ENTIRE screen.

I started to throw my shoe, but I’ve been told that isn’t proper behavior while in a public setting. Even if you’re trying to save yourself from arachnids that are trying to eat your face.

And it didn’t stop there, readers. Oh, no. For instance, there’s the scene where a curious Peter Parker wanders into the lab where the infamous infected spider lives. Expecting one spider in a test tube, I already had my eyelids at half mast when Peter let himself in to that room. The camera was zoomed in on his face, leaving the rest of the room totally out of focus. By the time I realized what I was looking at, it was too late.

It was an entire room dedicated to an enormous, circular web covered in radio-active spiders.

Just before I had the chance to close my eyes tight, Peter backed into the web and all the hell demons started falling down on him like so much rain.

(Author’s note: I just threw up a little in my mouth.)

As promised, I screamed like a busty blonde in a slasher movie and dove for cover beneath my husband’s arm. 

Hours later, I was still traumatized by this scene in the movie. I had nightmares. Seriously. Here I sit, all wounded and stuff. So, I have a suggestion for Marvel. Let’s pretend Peter Parker got bitten by something less scary, ok?

Problem solved.

PS: Look honey, I updated the scorecard!! And you’re still winning!!

4 thoughts on “The Post Where I Totally Solve Marvel’s Biggest Problem

  1. Walt

    Oh Abby Ya got me. I was enthralled as I read this post. But when I scrolled down and saw Bunnyman, I laughed so hard I spit Ramen all over my nice new laptop. Ummm…thanks.

    Come read:
    Odd Facts About the Olympics

  2. Laverne Smith

    You crack me up and the comments so far also make the post… hysterical!! So I am not scared of spiders however the thought of 3D spiders make me itch a bit. I’m happy you and Brian got out together. It is always so wonderful to do that. And the spiderman with the bunny… Only you Abby. Only you could come up with that… Love it!

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