An Official Abby Gabs Police Report

Abby Gabs Police Department
Charleston, South Carolina
Incident Report for Case #11045-B
Report Created July 20, 2012

Abby Gabs Headquarters
Time of incident: 9:30 a.m.
Date of incident: 7/20/12
Nature of incident: Homicide (self-defense)
Person or Persons Involved: Abby C., age 31. Short dark brown hair, blue eyes, pleasantly plump. Subject has a boring job, an uncomplicated life, and a husband who is scared of large bugs.
Officer Narrative: Abby C., claims she was walking into headquarters from checking the mail. Husband, Brian C., was sitting on the couch against the back wall, quietly reading his email. Upon entering the residence, Abby C. (heretofore referred to as Suspect One), noticed the giant palmetto bug on the carpet. 

Suspect One, aware that Brian C. was terrified of palmetto bugs (really, any bug in the cockroach family) “sprung to action in order to defend her husband and her home.” She took off the flip flop she was wearing and threw it, like a ninja star, at the victim, killing him instantly.

After Suspect One determined that the victim was in fact, deceased, she contacted the authorities, who found the victim sufficiently squished beneath the Roxy flip flop.

Cause of death
: blunt force trauma to the…well…to everything.

Protocol and procedures were followed from this point on. The only evidence collected was the murder weapon. Both Suspect One and her husband were forthcoming with their statements.
Suspect One Statement: “I did what I had to do. That f*#$&*@ bug was trying to eat my husband’s face. We were under attack and I protected my home, and my family. If that bug didn’t want to die, he shouldn’t have come into my house.”
Husband Statement: “She saved my life.”
Officers completed removal of the body from the residence:
Officers also left the area roped off, with a chalk-outline of the victim, for further investigation, if needed.

Summary: It is the opinion of both officers and detectives that responded to the incident that the homicide was, indeed, driven by self-defense. Evidence will be cataloged as such, and no charges will be filed.

3 thoughts on “An Official Abby Gabs Police Report

    1. Abby

      Oh no. Had it been a spider, I’d have screamed like a busty blonde in a slasher flick and run out the front door.

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