I never really wanted to be a super-hero when I grew up. Sure, I imagined what it would be like to have super powers—like being able to fly, or being able to shrink down to an inch tall, or being able to magically convert into a back-up dancer for the New Kids on the Block. But I never spent much time zooming around my room, a pillow case tied around my neck, pretending to save the universe from the evil Sergeant Zerg. I just didn’t.
However, a jaunt down the super-hero aisle at our local Toys R Us recently has me considering super-herodom a little more closely. And it’s all because of the awesomeness that is this plastic Captain America mask:
It fits me perfectly, it has comfort-fit eye pads, and it has a ginormous “A” painted on it. Also, my husband says the blue brings out the color of my eyes.
I have decided that I need to have this mask for my very own. It would make boring household chores seem like huge feats of hero-ness. A giant stack of clean and folded laundry would be way more exciting if it had been washed and folded by Captain Abby. And can you imagine the sparkle of a toilet cleaned by Captain Abby? I can.
I’m also convinced that I’d make a better hero than Captain America. I mean, yeah, he’s all strong and dreamy and whatnot. But he’s kind of a stick in the mud. He never breaks the rules, he always thinks he’s right, and don’t even get him started on the importance of broccoli. See, Captain America would be all like:
But Captain Abby? Oh, no. Captain Abby would be all like:
Truthfully, you would probably rather have Captain America in your corner were you to ever get into an altercation with a large man nicknamed Tiny. But when it comes time for a sleepover with all your girlfriends? Well…
That’s when Captain Abby comes to the rescue!
I’m not saying Captain America is a BAD superhero. And I’ll agree that Chris Evans is a tall drink of water, if you catch my drift. But Captain America does have a kind of Napoleon complex…except he’s tall. You know, like this:
While Captain Abby can’t sling a magical shield around, or toss full grown men in full body armor through windows, or crack walnuts between her ass cheeks, she can do one thing that Captain America can’t. And that’s identify with the majority of women across the nation.
I may leave the actual super-hero job to Captain America, since he has the abs and stuff. But I seriously need that mask for myself. Even if it does make my cheeks look a little plump.