Things My Husband Says

Like many Americans, we buy our toothbrushes in the convenient multi-packs, so that when it’s time to switch, we don’t have to try and remember to buy more toothbrushes first. (Which works out well…until the multi-pack turns up empty some random Thursday night.)
Recently it was time to make the old switcheroo. Ever the thoughtful wife, I asked Brian which color he would prefer. Forgetting momentarily that my husband is somewhat color blind, I held up his choices: dark royal blue or cheerful Carolina Panther’s turquoise (or for those non-football fans, think Caribbean blue.)
To say that I was hoping he’d pick the dark blue so I could have the Carolina Panther’s turquoise toothbrush would be 100% accurate. But I never thought in a million years he’d pass it by. So I just held my breath and waited for him to choose the toothbrush I wanted. Which would have been fine. Mostly.
Brian spent a second looking at the toothbrushes in my hand, then cleared his throat and said, “I want the blue one.”
“Really?” I replied, surprised. “I thought you’d take the other one!”
“Why? It’s brown!” he said.
Confused, I glance back at the toothbrushes in my hand. It occurred to me that turquoise might be one of those rare colors that confuses him if not seen in some sort of context. Decidedly anxious to make the Carolina Panther’s turquoise toothbrush my own, I eagerly squirted toothpaste on it, shoved it in my mouth and said, “But honey, it’s not brown, it’s Carolina Panther’s turquoise!”
Brian, the eternal toddler, shouted, “NUH-UHN!” and raced to the bedroom. Moments later he appeared around the corner holding his Steve Smith jersey in hand. I extracted the toothbrush from my mouth, held it up for comparison, and said, “See? Exact match.”
Sullen and feeling fooled, Brian muttered a curse word under his breath and stomped back to the bedroom. As he’s hanging up his Steve Smith jersey I hear him say, “Stupid color blindness.” And I giggle.
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I got a phone call from my husband yesterday afternoon. As is our fashion, it was a quick conversation using as few words as possible.

Brian: Hey babe. I’m heading to Target. Need anything?
Abby: Yes. Body wash, please.
B: Suave?
A: Yep.
B: Scent?
A: Whatever you think smells pretty.
B: Got it. Love ya, bye.
A: Love ya, bye.
A little while later, Brian returned from the store bearing his purchases. I headed into the kitchen to help him unload the bags. That’s when I discovered the body wash I asked him to pick up for me. And it was this:
I read the label aloud. “Suave Naturals ‘Everlasting Sunshine,’ huh?” I flicked the lid open and gave it a sniff. “Oooh, babe, that does smell good. Thanks.”
Brian’s voice, muffled from the living room, said, “I didn’t buy it because it smells good, I bought it because of the name.”

“Really? Why?”

Brian peeked his head around the corner, a wide grin on his face, and said, “Because you’re MY everlasting sunshine.”
Score one for the hubs.
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We hopped in the car one afternoon, bound for a since-forgotten location. As we drove out of our driveway, I pulled my lip gloss out of my purse, flipped the visor down, and began to apply.
At that moment, Brian glances out of his window and notices a neighbor painting the roof of a dilapidated old trailer that lives in the lot next to ours. He snorted, then said, “What’s the point? It’s like putting lipstick on a pig!”
Completely unaware of what was going on outside of the car, I lowered my lip gloss and looked over at him, hurt and confused. “Excuse me?” I say.
Brian took a minute to realize what just transpired, and how I must have assumed he was speaking about me. He threw his head back and roared with laughter, leaving me to wonder why I was just highly insulted by the man I married. In his fits of hysteria, he was finally able to point out the neighbor on the roof with the paint brush.
I still didn’t think it was funny.
Now I do.

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