How To Become A Professional Twitter-Stalker (An AbbyGabs Tutorial)

If you have an obsessive nature like me, or you have a fondness for one celebrity in particular, Twitter Stalking could be your next step toward fame. If you’ve ever been curious about what it takes to be a successful Stalker (as I consider myself somewhat a professional), then this Tutorial is for you!


Step One:
Create a Twitter account. Revel in the newness of this technology. Follow every single person you can find–famous or not–until you’re following 1500 people in less than an hour. Realize, at this rate, your Target’s tweets will be lost in the crowd. Frown.

Step Two: 
Create a new Twitter account. Pay more attention to the username you choose this time, keeping your Target in mind. What will catch their eye and make them smile? What name will put you at the top of the list of fans to follow? Use your imagination. Get creative. Don’t google “fan girl names” for help.

Examples:  BeMyBieber69. MarryMeMarkyMark. 2Hot4Any1butJT. You get the gist.

Step Three:
Now’s the time to find your mark. You’ll want to make sure that your Target is active on Twitter. Because, honestly, Twitter Stalking someone who only tweets on holidays gets a little boring. Even though each new tweet from an infrequent flyer is like winning the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes, your interest will wane after awhile.

Once you’ve found the Target’s profile, click the “follow” button. Now re-read every tweet, all the way back to the beginning of time, and admonish yourself for all the celebrity lovin’ you missed while sitting on your hands and not creating a Twitter account sooner. Reply to messages they sent in April of 2009, knowing they’ll probably never be seen. Then retweet them to your 10 followers (your best friend from high school, your Mom, and 8 other fan girls who jumped on you like monkeys as soon as you logged in.)

Example: My own Target, DDUB himself, is definitely active on Twitter.
He tweets up to 10 times a day! And see that little blue check mark?
That means Twitter has officially verified that he is, in fact, who he says he is.
Beware of posers. Just because his user name is ZacEfron
doesn’t mean it’s really THE Zac Efron!


Step Four:
Try to keep your head from exploding when your Target tweets live for the first time. (IE: When you’re actually on Twitter.) There’s a thrill in knowing you’re sharing the interwebs with them at the same time, and they don’t even know it. Respond to this tweet 375 times, even though it only reads “Happy Tuesday, tweeps!” When your compulsive tweeting comes to an end, google the word “tweeps” and try to get hip with the lingo.

Step Five:
Reconfigure your Twitter layout. Spend 2 days finding the perfect free photo-manipulation software, downloading it to your computer, and creating the perfect background for your profile. Once your profile is all shiny and new again, begin a NEW Twitter campaign, begging asking the celebrity to check it out, in hopes that it will result in a follow.

(Author’s Note: It’s best if you use pictures of the Target. It’s good for a celebrity ego boost. If you have a photo with you AND the Target, so much the better. But save THAT one for your avatar.)

This is my Twitter background. While it focuses on my blog  (because
that’s why I started my Twitter account in the first place) there are enough pictures
of Donnie Wahlberg to draw in his interest, were he to click over to my profile.


Step Six:
After about a week, when the only responses to your clever tweets have been retweets from fellow stalkers, you’ll begin to feel downtrodden. Doesn’t my mark see me? Can’t he HEAR ME??

AM I INVISIBLE??!?

Fear not, Stalker friend. This is only the beginning of your campaign. It’s time to pull out the big guns. It’s TIME to get CREATIVE. It’s time to be RELENTLESS.

It’s time to download the Twitter app for your phone so you can stalk your Target 24/7…

(Author’s note: Wine helps when the breakdown arrives. Tequila works, too.)

Step Seven:
Now that you have the Twitter app on your phone, you can take Stalking to a whole new level. Put yourself in situations that would make for a humorous “look where I am” tweet. Take pictures of things you think will make the Target laugh. Visit the beach and write silly phrases in the sand and photograph them, making sure to tag the Target when you upload them to your profile. These techniques will only make you more visible to the Target…because who can resist clicking on a link in a Tweet???

Just 4 of many examples that I’ve uploaded to Twitter via TwitPic.com.
Believe me when I say there are other less flattering pictures
I’ve used in the past, including taking photos of DVDs, road signs, and
his name written in the sand at the beach. (Yes I really did that. I swear.)


Step Eight:
Devise a clever plan that will make you more visible to your Target’s FANS, which will only make you more visible to the target. Have a giveaway. Draw a funny picture. Find a photo of the Target and insert your own witty caption. Have a good friend make you a birthday pinata bearing the face of your chosen celebrity. Whatever your plan, think outside the Twitter box. Being a standout in a crowd of crazies is the ONLY way to get that follow.

Step Nine:
Enlist the help of your friends. Don’t let them weasel out of it by saying they have no love for Twitter. Saying they’re already stretched too thin by Facebook and Pinterest is NOT an excuse. Remind them of why they love you and are friends with you in the first place. And tell them your life will NOT BE COMPLETE without a follow from your Target. Eventually, they will comply. Even if it’s reluctantly, with a twinge of annoyance.

With the help of your friends tweeting, retweeting, and pestering the hell out of continually asking your Target to follow you, your dreams WILL come true. Your Target will eventually click that little follow button because you and your army have made it impossible for him not to do so.

Step Ten:
Celebrate. Squeal. Take screen captures of that special moment in time when the follow becomes official. Then log off the internet and go spend some time with your friends. They deserve it.

(Author’s note: Wine helps when celebrating with your friends. Tequila works, too.)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *
By following these simple 10 steps, you’re sure to create a closer, more intimate bond with the celebrity of your choice. And the good news is—most of them are on Twitter for fan feedback. That means there’s no chance of a restraining order ever being issued. Yay!

*Edit* If enlisting your friends doesn’t secure you the follow you so desire, you can always turn to sexual innuendo.  Many find this technique to be effectual. However, there HAS to be a line you won’t cross somewhere, right?

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3 thoughts on “How To Become A Professional Twitter-Stalker (An AbbyGabs Tutorial)

  1. Ravenly

    Abby, you never fail to make me smile. I can’t say I love any one actor enough to Twiterstalk them, but just in case that person ever comes along, it’s good to know there is a 10 step guide to follow. 😉

  2. Pingback: Re-Learning My Social Media Skills | AbbyGabs

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