A Letter to…Those Fashion People.

Dear Powers-of-Fashion, i.e., Those Who Make Up All The Fashion Rules,

I have to be honest, people. I rarely, if ever, pay that much attention to you. I am one of those consumers you desperately try to woo with your color and your intrigue and your mystery. Sometimes, Powers, it works. But most of the time I’m drawn to the soft, the simple, and the affordable.

Unfortunately, sometimes you put your fingers in the cake of fashion, leaving me unable to attain my much-sought-after don’t-give-a-hoot look. That being said, I have a few bones to pick with you.

Bone Number 1: Jeans
Designers of the world, hear this: I don’t want holes in my brand new, $50 jeans.

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Here’s the thing: this is what my OLD pair looks like. (Well, sort of.) The holes in my old jeans are the very reason why I’m shopping for NEW ones. Yes, the distressed look may be all the rage amongst Those Who Love Twilight. However, I want to look somewhat “put together” when I leave the house. I don’t want it to appear to the outside world that I just got into a fight with a mountain lion. So shore up those holes, designers!

(This rule also applies to appliques, bedazzlement, and other adornments you wish to put on my denim. Just give me some comfortable, well-fitting, good old-fashioned jeans, would ya? I don’t need a glittery butterfly on my ass. Thanks, though, your creativity astounds.)

Bone Number Two: Big Girl Fashion
When it comes to plus size clothing, there’s never that much to choose from. (Although I will give you credit, designers. It has gotten a TON better in the last few years. Pardon the expression.) Here’s the thing: when I visit a website to peruse your wares, this is what I see:

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Cute, right?? Totally cute. I could definitely pull off looks numbers 1 and 4. I’d have to try on looks number 2 and 3.

And guess what, designers? When I try on those ensembles, I tend to look more like this:

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Now, granted, that may be more on me than you. Yes, I could lose some weight, thereby allowing your creations to fit correctly. But I think the collective voice of the plus size world wants you to know that all we want is to look slimmer than we are in real life. Yes, it fits (mostly), and yes, it’s colorful. But we’d like to avoid looking like Shamu in a tent. Just FYI. (Can I get a “holla” from all the big girls in the house? Amen.)

Bone Number Three: Fashion Trends
Can I please get an invitation to the next Fall Fashion Color Choosing Dinner Party, please? Because this monopoly on choosing “the hottest color for 2011” leaves me with one choice, and one choice alone, when I shop for clothes.

Source, plus a little Photoshop.

Seriously. I walked into The Dress Barn yesterday and every single item on every single rack, at least 6 racks deep into the store, was some shade of purple. Violet, phlox, heliotrope, orchid, plum…it felt like being at a royal convention. (You would not believe how much time and energy went into researching variants of the color purple. Seriously.)

All I ask for, designers, is a little DIVERSITY. I don’t think the main objective of fashion is to have us all walking around looking like Purple People Eaters. Because honestly, when you have a room full of people all wearing purple, that’s what we’re going to look like.

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(Sorry for the language, but I had to share. Cuz that is HILARIOUS.)

In short, people of the fashion world, we just ask for a little consideration when you sit on your thrones of chic and mete out the commandments we are supposed to follow. Your edicts determine what we will find in our stores, thereby dictating what we can and cannot wear. While I hate to wave about empty threats, I don’t like to be bullied.

So don’t make me whip out my mom jeans and my sweater from 1999 and my knee socks, Fashion Police. Because I will throw myself on the sword of Fashion Faux Pas before I allow myself to be lorded over by dictators such as you!

Sincerely and with much distaste,
Abby

PS: Your prompt attention to these problems would be much appreciated, as I need something pink to wear to a benefit next week. Thank you in advance.

5 thoughts on “A Letter to…Those Fashion People.

  1. danadominata

    but…I love purple 🙁

    I wish someone would tell the fashionista in the row of cubes across from me that her $100 faded, ripped, and bejeweled jeans do not qualify for “casual Friday”.

  2. Abby

    Don’t get me wrong, I love purple too! It’s one of my favorite colors. I was just hoping for more than one hue while shopping yesterday!

  3. Deeanna

    Extra super low rise on anyone deserves a huge FAIL if you ask me. I don’t know what’s sexy about looking like the heir to John’s Plumbing Service. Would you mind adding these two points in you stongly opinionated letter to the fashion experts; 1) What you call affordable is only that to those who live in “big” cities and have very good means of income. The unemployed gals like myself are shopping Goodwill for jeans when their fat thighs have popped through the fabric of their old ones because they are so worn. 2) Your idea of a casual, relaxed, and laid back look is my idea of dressing up so next time you see me in my “good” jeans & a dressy shirt (one that doesn’t advertise afore mentioned plumbing service) remember that there really is no need to call your friends at What not to where. 🙂

  4. Stephanie

    Last year one of the colours was coral. I know this, because I went one on of my every-two-years shopping spree. I came home, all excited, and laid all of my new purchases on the bed. And almost ALL of it was coral. So, with all of my new clothes, I succeeded in looking like I was wearing the exact same thing every day. Oops.

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