Be Enough Me: Learning to Love Myself

I write a lot of funny blogs. I make silly faces at the camera, I photoshop myself into funny situations, I tell you humorous anecdotes from my life. I love to laugh, and I laugh a lot. My life is filled with love, and laughter, and family. For that I am blessed a thousand times over.

But the truth is, some days it’s really hard for me to think of something funny to say. Some days I can’t seem to find anything in my life to shine a light on, for my blog’s sake.

I know that, a lot of the times, I throw myself under the funny bus just to get a laugh. I’m often times critical of myself, but in a way that seems humorous. The truth behind the clown mask, though, is that more than one day a week, I wake up feeling “less than.” Unworthy. Hidden. Like the words I write are only to be lost in a sea of other voices, and mine is the one drowning while others are clawing their way to the surface to be seen.

Despite my 30 years on this earth, and the love and admiration I have for so many people in my life, I think I still struggle with learning to love myself. There are so many aspects of “ME” that I joke about, make light of…but those aspects often weigh on me like so many stones.

My weight.

Infertility.

Dreams that go unfulfilled year after year.

Insecurities.

Most days I am happy. Most days I can find humor in the world. Most days I love everything about my life.

But…

At least once a day I think about the fact that I don’t have a child yet.

At least once a day (usually many more times than that) I chastise myself for being overweight, and for not being diligent enough to do something about it permanently.

At least once a day I wonder how someone else will react to what I say or what I do, and if that will color their opinion of me to a different, unfavorable shade.

At least once a day, I dream of the little house in the country with a fence and a garden and a swing set and a pretty kitchen that I don’t have (yet.)

I worry that I’m being selfish. That I’m not enough.

But I am enough.

I cook and clean and make life easier for my husband, who is working towards his nursing degree.

I spend quality time with my family: bonding with my dad over a glass of wine and a bubbling pot of red sauce; helping my mom design the perfect beaded key chain; laughing with my brother over any and everything.

I strive to be a good friend: sending cards, little gifts, photos. Calling to check in often. Dropping off casseroles to those who need the comfort. Loving them, each one, with every inch of my heart. I snuggle and kiss and spoil their babies as if they were my own (even when it breaks my heart, just a little, each time.)

I do my job. I write my blog. I stay busy. I make others lives easier, more enjoyable.

I am enough.

Even on days when I think I’m not.

JustBeEnough.com is a site that focuses on telling empowering stories of women, written by women. It’s mission is to inspire women to remember to celebrate themselves. This month they are fighting the good fight against cancer. For every 20 link ups this month, Bellflower Books will donate $75 toward a 20-page memory book for a family fighting breast cancer. Feel free to link up and help their worthy cause! And thanks to Jen at The Misadventures of Mrs. B for giving me the idea to participate!

14 thoughts on “Be Enough Me: Learning to Love Myself

  1. Katnip Lounge

    Abby, no matter where you go, there you are…it’s important to be at peace with yourself, and the happiness flows from there. You have a wonderful partner; look at yourself thru his eyes and you’ll see an entirely different (worthy & wonderful) human BEing!

  2. Mrs. Jen B

    Thank YOU for participating! I’m so glad to have given you the inspiration to participate because this is an amazing post. I identify so much with you while reading this. It’s so hard to remember that I’m enough when there’s evidence everywhere that I’m not. Overweight, no baby after a loss this summer, a “nothing” job instead of a career…on and on.

    But you know what? We’re more than enough to the people who love us. We may need to let them remind us when we don’t remember it ourselves. I know my husband is just happy that I’m me and that I’m in his life, regardless of who I might be on the outside. Who I am inside is what counts – and that’s what counts for you, too.

    However, I have to tell you – the first time I visited your blog and saw your pic in your header, I thought “She’s pretty”. For what it’s worth. 🙂

  3. Abby

    To Tricia: I am a work in progress, that’s for sure! I appreciate your continued support of my blog! Thanks so much for your kind words!

    To Jen: Sounds like we have more than blogging in common, my friend! The baby-less-ness, the weight issue, the nothing job…I’d love to sit and chat with you over a pot of coffee (or bottle of wine, whichever you prefer.) And I have to say, you made me well up a little with your last comment. Thank you so much! And can I say a heartfelt “Back Atcha Sister!”

  4. Jenna

    you are enough. and im so glad you poured your heart out and let us into your internal dialogue. Im glad to get to know you!

  5. Brian

    You’re more than enough for me. I love you to the moon and back. My only wish is that you would love yourself half as much as I love you, then you would never have a reason to frown.

  6. ElinaMK

    Abby, if you want to compare low self esteem, well wait until I finally get the courage to blog like you… THEN you’ll see angst like you’ve never seen!!!

    Seriously though, I believe that there is a reason for everything, and that if you don’t get what you want now there will be something better waiting for you around the corner. I share your weight issues, am single and approaching my 4th decade soon – so I think you’re better off as you have a partner who loves you to the moon and back (so envious)…

    Stay strong sister!!!

  7. Stephanie

    My long-lost sister! Weight issues? Disappointed uterus? “What am I doing with my life” angst? Check, check, check. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and you ARE enough. But I understand how hard it is not to dwell on the things that seem to be missing. Thanks for sharing these more personal posts with the rest of us.

  8. Abby

    Thanks to each and everyone of you for your heartfelt comments!!! I truly appreciate them. You have NO idea!!!

    Jenna: I’m definitely working on putting up more serious posts! I’m glad they are appreciated! And welcome! 🙂

    Brian: You always know just what to say. I love you.

    Ryan: I’m really working on becoming more vulnerable on my blog. I think anyone can be silly–it takes true courage to write moving, heartfelt pieces! It’s my new mantra! But don’t worry, photoshop ain’t goin’ nowhere! 🙂

    Elina: Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have Brian!! I work on reminding myself of all that I do have every single day. But I think a lot of women can relate to never feeling like they’re quite up to snuff.

    Stephanie: You’re my sister from another mister. LOL. We should totally have coffee sometime.

    Kristin: You are amazing. Thank you for continuing to support my blog! Love you!!

  9. Robin | Farewell, Stranger

    I think a lot of people hide behind humour. I think that’s okay – it’s good to be able to laugh, but if you’re letting it prevent you from examining and accepting the things you struggle with, then it’s tough. Sounds like you’re on the right track, though. You’re awesomely enough!

  10. signingcharity

    I love that your husband read and commented on your blog. My hubby is FANTASTIC and has never, ever, ever, ever read my blog or showed any interest in it. I know he thinks it is silliness.

    This is a wonderful post. I know it resonates with many people!

  11. Abby

    Thanks so much to all the folks visiting from my link up with justbeenough!

    To Robin: I try not to hide behind my humor, although I do sometimes use it as a defense mechanism–especially to diffuse tense or uncomfortable situations. I struggle with allowing myself to be vulnerable.

    To Charity: I DO have an amazing hubby. He reads every post. Although I think it may be a little in self defense–his female co-workers are some of my most loyal readers, and they’re constantly quizzing him on my latest blogs. :0)

    To Elena: I think every woman can relate to having those thoughts throughout the day! I look forward to linking up again next week!

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