What Happens When You Cross Cough Medicine with Bad TV?

A few days ago, while in the deepest throes of flu-induced lunacy, B and I took to our favorite pastime–watching bad TV.   There we were, snuggled up on the couch under our favorite afghan, channel-surfing our hearts out, until B finally landed on one of our new favorite shows, Inside American Jail.

Now, in case you’ve never seen this show, here’s a brief synopsis. It’s produced by the creators of Cops (SCORE!) so already, you know it’s going to be hilarious. It details what goes on behind-the-scenes, once the bad guys have been carted off to jail. Gone are the brief roadside encounters with Billy Bob and his “I Didn’t Do It Officer” t-shirts. Now we get to spend the night in the drunk tank with Billy Bob, and watch all his colorful attempts to convince the officers that he was NOT, in fact, “Drunk In Public.”

This particular episode featured a young man named Evan, who claimed to be a “child of God,” and thereby innocent, despite being drunk, disorderly, disobedient, and downright dumb. (How’s THAT for some alliteration?!?)

As Evan is being processed, he goes into a drunken, apologetic soliloquy in which he informs the officers (and, to our delight, the audience) that he was a child actor. Apparently, being a child actor, paired with the fact that you’re a child of God, means you can get obliterated on Jack Daniels and harass your friends and neighbors. But the best part of the speech, well…

Let the record reflect that I searched HIGH and LOW for this clip so I could share it with you. For HOURS. I couldn’t find it anywhere, and just quoting this guy wasn’t funny enough. So please ignore my lack-of-shower, no-makeup self in my very own imitation of Evan’s drunk speech…or at least the parts we could understand. (It’s all in the name of comedy, after all…)

Anyone else think I sound like a mix between Forrest Gump and Bobby Boucher from The Water Boy?

Naturally, two things happened. 1) We laughed hysterically, and proceeded to quote him over and over for the next 3 days and 2) We immediately went all technological and turned to the internet to find out if his drunken speech had any validity.

Five minutes later, we were on the Internet Movie Database (best website EVER) searching for our favorite friendly drunk, Evan.

And shut my mouth, there he was. Evan Lockwood, IMDb’d. For the world to see. And he has 5 whole entires in his filmography: Fried Green Tomatoes, The Rambling Rose, some appearance in a TV series I’ve never heard of, and not one but TWO appearances on Inside American Jail. (And if that don’t beat all, you can find him on Facebook, too. He has Three Whole Friends.)

Now, under normal circumstances, this would’ve produced an interesting conversation with my husband. However, we can thank the copious amounts of psueodofed in my bloodstream for the following conversation:

A: (With toothbrush still in mouth) I wonder if you can create your own IMDb profile.
B: OH MY GOD I was just wondering the same thing.
A: Cuz I’ve only seen Fried Green Tomatoes once, when I was like 10, and I’ve never seen Ramblin’ Rose, so without watching those movies, how could we verify if he was even in them at all?
B: I bet he TOTALLY created that IMDb profile and put himself in those movies.
A: We could TOTALLY do that to YOU!
B: You’re thinking about your blog, aren’t you?
A: YES! We could put you in the MOVIES!
B: I’d only want to be in stuff that was on before I was born. Like Flipper. Or I Love Lucy.

Well, Brian…Your wish, as they say, is my command.

23 thoughts on “What Happens When You Cross Cough Medicine with Bad TV?

  1. seifer

    I was watching this episode and your blog came up on google. Very funny lol, : ) I appreciate your humor. And you should seriously consider being in movies because your drunken imitation was better than evans haha. – “Seifer” Cleveland, Ohio.

  2. Paige

    I totally just saw this episode and googled it myself and up came your post lol. That is so awesome! I always google weird crap like that though.glad I’m not alone!

  3. happygal0000

    Hahaha, I just watched this episode last night and my favorite line of his was, “…you can’t hurt me! I’m a child of God and…owww! that hurts! Those cuffs are too tight!” Thanks for this blog. I couldn’t believe he was a real actor, either. But he WAS a very good drunk guy.

  4. Suzan B

    I just wish you would have done a bit more of his “I am a child of God” rant. Your impression cracked me up! They do need to update his IMDb profile with this latest JAIL appearance first aired 7/7/2011. The other 2 were 2007 & 2009. Since it seams he makes a sequel about every 2 years he’s due to show up very soon since he is already a year past due. Thanks again for the laughter!

  5. Heather

    I too thought this episode was a riot and immediately went to IMBD but was also saddened by the fact that he also said he had to cut his real father down after he hung himself in his childhood home and all he wanted to do was call his mother!

  6. Shayne

    He actually was in “fried green tomatoes” and “rambling’ rose”…l searched it on my Direct TV which gives a list of cast and crew members, so that part is true..just another example of a child actor going down a bad path

    1. chris

      Haha…fckn evan..made me google his name. ..n came up on ur site. Too drunk too tell if he was on the holiday classic ramblib rise starring Robert Duvall lmao

      1. xmlrider2

        Evan was on TV again tonight (this time on SpikeTV) .. I googled him, and your Blog came up. Hilarious post! LOVED IT!

  7. Bill Milano

    Just like a number of other people, I just saw the episode and discovered your blog on a Google search. I think it is absolutely FANTASTIC that when you go to IMDB for him, his appearance on Jail is listed.
    I can’t really figure out why, but seeing that on IMDB that REALLY made my day.

  8. Pingback: How Abby Became Internet Famous (Thanks To That Drunk Guy On ‘Jail’ Who Turned Out To Be Pseudo-Famous) | AbbyGabs

  9. Robin Lay

    HAHAHAHA!!!! I’m watching it now and had to check to see if he was really in the movies also. Your blog is hilarious!!!!

  10. Amanda

    Aired again tonight ? holy balls he really exists….he’s obscure and hard to find, but he’s there lmao!

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