A few days ago, while in the deepest throes of flu-induced lunacy, B and I took to our favorite pastime–watching bad TV. There we were, snuggled up on the couch under our favorite afghan, channel-surfing our hearts out, until B finally landed on one of our new favorite shows, Inside American Jail.
Now, in case you’ve never seen this show, here’s a brief synopsis. It’s produced by the creators of Cops (SCORE!) so already, you know it’s going to be hilarious. It details what goes on behind-the-scenes, once the bad guys have been carted off to jail. Gone are the brief roadside encounters with Billy Bob and his “I Didn’t Do It Officer” t-shirts. Now we get to spend the night in the drunk tank with Billy Bob, and watch all his colorful attempts to convince the officers that he was NOT, in fact, “Drunk In Public.”
This particular episode featured a young man named Evan, who claimed to be a “child of God,” and thereby innocent, despite being drunk, disorderly, disobedient, and downright dumb. (How’s THAT for some alliteration?!?)
As Evan is being processed, he goes into a drunken, apologetic soliloquy in which he informs the officers (and, to our delight, the audience) that he was a child actor. Apparently, being a child actor, paired with the fact that you’re a child of God, means you can get obliterated on Jack Daniels and harass your friends and neighbors. But the best part of the speech, well…
Let the record reflect that I searched HIGH and LOW for this clip so I could share it with you. For HOURS. I couldn’t find it anywhere, and just quoting this guy wasn’t funny enough. So please ignore my lack-of-shower, no-makeup self in my very own imitation of Evan’s drunk speech…or at least the parts we could understand. (It’s all in the name of comedy, after all…)
Anyone else think I sound like a mix between Forrest Gump and Bobby Boucher from The Water Boy?
Naturally, two things happened. 1) We laughed hysterically, and proceeded to quote him over and over for the next 3 days and 2) We immediately went all technological and turned to the internet to find out if his drunken speech had any validity.
Five minutes later, we were on the Internet Movie Database (best website EVER) searching for our favorite friendly drunk, Evan.
And shut my mouth, there he was. Evan Lockwood, IMDb’d. For the world to see. And he has 5 whole entires in his filmography: Fried Green Tomatoes, The Rambling Rose, some appearance in a TV series I’ve never heard of, and not one but TWO appearances on Inside American Jail. (And if that don’t beat all, you can find him on Facebook, too. He has Three Whole Friends.)
Now, under normal circumstances, this would’ve produced an interesting conversation with my husband. However, we can thank the copious amounts of psueodofed in my bloodstream for the following conversation:
A: (With toothbrush still in mouth) I wonder if you can create your own IMDb profile.
B: OH MY GOD I was just wondering the same thing.
A: Cuz I’ve only seen Fried Green Tomatoes once, when I was like 10, and I’ve never seen Ramblin’ Rose, so without watching those movies, how could we verify if he was even in them at all?
B: I bet he TOTALLY created that IMDb profile and put himself in those movies.
A: We could TOTALLY do that to YOU!
B: You’re thinking about your blog, aren’t you?
A: YES! We could put you in the MOVIES!
B: I’d only want to be in stuff that was on before I was born. Like Flipper. Or I Love Lucy.
Well, Brian…Your wish, as they say, is my command.