Conversations with My Husband

While mowing the lawn yesterday, my husband broke one of my bird feeders. He apologized profusely and offered to go out immediately and buy me a new one.

I milked the situation and talked him into buying two. And bird seed.

About 20 minutes after he left the house with his tail between his legs (not really, because I really wasn’t mad at all. Promise.) I decided to try my luck and ask for a shower caddy, too. So, I called him up.

B: (like the obnoxious guy on Storage Wars)Yep?
A: Are you still at Target?
B: Yep.
A: Can I have a shower caddy, too?
B: A shower caddy?
A: Yes. Space saver, company coming Friday.
B: Sure, you got it.
A: Thanks. Love you, bye.
B: Love you too, bye.

This is how our phone conversations typically go. He knows I hate talking on the phone, and I know he would rather get whatever he’s doing over with and just get home. So, we speak as few words as possible when a decision-making conversation is necessary.

We also like to amuse ourselves by answering the phone in silly ways. It’s the smart phones’ fault. When he calls I can see his face on my Droid, and hilarity ensues.

A few minutes after I phoned in my request, my phone rang.

A: (using my Lerch-iest voice) YOU RANG?
B: Hi, so, let’s talk shower caddies.
A: Ok. Whatcha got?
B: Big one, a middle one, or a small one?
A: How big is big?
B: Um….three shelves, 9 hooks and a soap tray.
A: Too big. How small is small?
B: One shelf, two hooks, no tray. 
A: Too small.
B: Medium it is. Black, silver or chrome?
A: Not black. Otherwise, don’t care.
B: Ok. Chrome it is. Love you, bye.
A: Love you too, bye.

A few minutes after we’d picked out our shiny new chrome shower caddy, my phone rang again.

A: Go For Abby…
B: *Laughs for approximately 19 seconds* That was funny. Ok, so, anyway…do you remember how I told you that there was a new wave of Transformers out this week?

I immediately know that this conversation isn’t a decision-making conversation because 1) his opening sentences had more than 5 words and 2) he said the word “Transformers.”

A: (knowing that we both know I tend to tune out those conversations)Yes, and…?
B: Well they have one of the toys. Except it’s the $45 toy. And I’m having a hard time justifying spending that much money since I know we’ll be spending this weekend while The Weekend Company Family is here. (Pause for dramatic effect.) But he’s SO COOL.

At this point, I due my wifely duty. Do I convince him to keep the money in his wallet? Of course not.

A: Hon, didn’t your grandparents just send you a “Congratulations On Finishing Your First Semester of Nursing School” check? 
B: (Pause)
A: I think it’s okay to use that money for this.
B: (Pause)
A: After all, you just got me a caddy and some bird feeders, right?
B: You’re the best wife, ever.
A: I know.
B: Love you. Seriously. Bye.
A: Love you, too. Bye.

How could I say no to this face?