A Form Letter For the Masses

You’re welcome.

Dear Netflix,

First, let me thank you for your ingenious method by which you’ve chosen to entertain us. You’ve made movie night into an American institution again, without the hassle of driving to a store, not to mention saving us from the astronomical price of movie theater popcorn. Watching movies in my underwear has never been so easy. Thank you.

However, I find there’s a glitch in the system. You see, until recently, I was beyond thrilled with my Netflix service. How clever that, when I went out to retrieve my mail, there was a happy red envelope there to greet me. Fun!

Then you decided to throw a curve ball by allowing us to stream movies directly to our computers and/or televisions. NEAT-O! I was beyond excited. Now, I didn’t even have to walk to my MAILBOX to get my movie, I could stay seated on my couch (in my underwear) and watch without having to move a muscle.

While I LOVE your streaming service, I have to admit that I find it lacking in one area. I’m disappointed that I can’t stream anything I like. Yes, you do have an extensive collection of movies and television shows that I can stream. However, it seems the ones I want to watch are only available on DVD.

You see, I’ve recently become addicted to The Gilmore Girls. And while I’m paying to receive 3 DVDs at a time from your business, it seems that it takes forever for them to get here.

Granted, it only takes 2 days. Which isn’t long at all.

Unless you’re frantically curious to find out what’s going on between Luke and Lorelei.

And so, my comfy position on my couch has been compromised, and I’m now having to get dressed every single day so I can walk out to my mailbox eleventy-hundred times in order to stalk my mail carrier.

I can’t help it! I’m desperate for more of their quick-like-a-bunny chatter, obscure 80s music references, and adorable togetherness. And can you blame me?

So please, Netflix, from one lazy couch potato to another, won’t you please let me stream everything in your collection? It would make our symbiotic relationship that much more satisfying.

Sincerely,
Abby

 Portions of this letter can be interchangeable to fit your own needs.


For example, feel free to substitute “in my underwear” with other phrases, like “with my family,” and “in my submarine” or even “from my secret underground lair (no I’m not Batman).


Similarly, you may choose to remove “get dressed every single day,” and replace that phrase with one like “cry myself to sleep, only to wake up and find that it’s another day without my movie, and my glasses are all fogged up from all the crying so I have to ask for a seeing-eye dog…”


Lastly, I am aware that not everyone is a fan of the Gilmore Girls (although I don’t understand it, not even for a minute.) So, feel free to substitute with the following:


The Gilmore Girls for The Simpsons, Hairspray Bosom Buddies
If you chose The Simpsons, the following substitutions will work:
what’s going on between Luke and Lorelei: if Homer will ever successfully strangle Bart
of their quick-like-a-bunny chatter: silly song montages
obscure 80s music references:  hilarious guest-star appearances
adorable togetherness: not-so-adorable togetherness, at least until the end of every episode.

 
If you chose the classic musical, Hairspray, the following substitutions will work:
what’s going on between Luke and Lorelei: if Tracy will win Link’s heart (not really because I know this movie by heart)
of their quick-like-a-bunny chatter: of the best songs ever written, ever
obscure 80s music references: Zac Efron face time
adorable togetherness: all the terrific dancing! It excites me!
 
If you choose Bosom Buddies, the following substitutions will work:
what’s going on between Luke and Lorelei: what Tom Hanks will wear next.
of their quick-like-a-bunny chatter: predictable humorous scenarios
obscure 80s music references: awesome 80s hair
adorable togetherness: adorable togetherness

Feel free to copy and paste, and send to your local Netflix office. If we bombard them with clever antics like these, then SURELY I can start streaming The Gilmore Girls instead of having to wait TWO WHOLE DAYS for the DVDs!
 
Oh wait, is today Tuesday? I have to go set up a tent by the mail box because I think I’m getting one today!

6 thoughts on “A Form Letter For the Masses

  1. Abby

    I have to admit, two of my top five favorite shows are streamable from Netflix.

    Is that a word? Streamable? It should be.

  2. Walt313

    If you booby trap your mail box with a teensy weensy explosive charge (just a loud pop) you can cut down your trips and dressing episodes.

    Can the Gilmore Girls compete with My Armywives (yes one word). Did I see you waving in the background last week?

  3. Katnip Lounge

    How about a mail slot in the door?

    Underwear rules!

    Or, as Bill Clinton sings on Family Guy, “Oh, it is one fine day to be nude!” I’m gonna go with that.

  4. Kathie

    Streaming only here too Abby, I have a DVR from the cable company and I tape far too many shows and then spend my nights catching up. Too many times I had two or three vids from Netflix out for a whole month. I do think they should charge a little more ( maybe?)) and let us see newer movies and TV shows though! I’d be willing to pay extra not to have to deal with the mail for newer things! In or out of my underwear! LOL

  5. Abby

    @Walt: My mail carriers are already problematic (not delivering mail on Wednesdays because the business is closed even though we live here and I’m ALWAYS home). I don’t want to ruin our already tenuous relationship. But thanks for the suggestion 🙂

    @Tricia: I actually do have a mail slot in the door (work from home) but, as I mentioned to Walt, my mail carriers are lazy. They’d never go for it. Plus, then, I’d have to invent a delivery system for the mail to be sorted and the DVD to go directly to our DVD players….and I’m not that scientifically inclined.

    @Kathie: I just find the movies/tv they offer for streaming is too limited. Particularly because the Gilmore Girls isn’t streamable. LOL I would TOTALLY be willing to pay more if they’d let me stream everything, for sure! Maybe I should add that as a caveat to my letter….

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