I’ll Pay You To Shoot Me Now

This is me:

This is me after this morning’s workout:

Daid. You know, like the word “dead” except southern-ized…

My ever-supportive husband decided to bring home this:

It’s a game. For the Kinect. Or it could be considered a torture device.

Don’t let the bright orange packaging and the beautiful people on the front fool you. This is not a game meant to make you laugh. This is not a game that will give you the experience you’ll be talking about after your next party. This is Chinese water torture in a box. SERIOUSLY.

Taking the game completely out of the equation, it’s bad enough to do 20 squats on your own. Just you, your adorable yoga pants, and the sweat rolling down your brow. Now add the additional frustration of making sure the camera can see you and every part of your body. Now add even MORE frustration when the camera does NOT see you and every part of your body, and while you’re squatting like a professional, all it sees is your knees.

Don’t believe me? Ok then, squat. Now hold it. Now keep holding it while I tell you, “Reader, try to squat a little lower. Keep your knees over your toes and really feel the burn in those gluts! Come on now, Reader, you can squat lower than that! I don’t think you’re squatting low enough. SQUAT YOU PATHETIC PEON!!!” Meanwhile, the counter that’s supposed to say you’ve completed 12 squats still says 1 because your avatar is stuck in a position reminiscent of an Olympic gymnast.

And let’s talk about the floor work. Push-ups. Ok, great, I’m all a-twitter. Except once I get in my push-up position, arms already quivering, the Kinect is like, “Hey, dumbass, we can’t see you. Move back.”

So I stand up, move a quarter of an inch closer to my couch. Get back down in the push-up position. And then, “Woohoo. Moron. Over here. You’re too close to the camera. Move back.”

Beginning to get aggravated, I stand up, move as close to my couch as humanly possible without lounging on it, get back down in the push-up position. Yay! It’s reading me! One push-up. Two. Three. The end is in sight. And then….”We’re sorry. We cannot read your movements. Please move back.”

It’s a good a place as any to stop, right? Stupid robot.

Ok, ok, so, it’s not all bad. The workouts really do get your heart rate up there, and for the most part, the Kinect does read your movements pretty well.  The little rubber band-y thing that comes with the game really works for the upper-body exercises. (I’ll have Arnold Schwarzenegger arms by summer.)

I’m hoping once we buy the little gizmo that allows you to mount the Kinect to the wall, it will give us that extra foot of space we need to be read properly.

For now, I’m just as annoyed as I am sore. I’m sure I’ll be more sore as the day goes on. In fact, I’ll pay you to shoot me now to save me the pain later.

2 thoughts on “I’ll Pay You To Shoot Me Now

  1. Dieter Moitzi

    Loooool! You remind of the first time I tried to play Table Tennis on the Wii with a good friend’s grandson (10 years old, I have to confess). Hah, I told myself, all I have to do is wiggle the Wii pad a bit and the little boy will be amazed by my skills! Well, he wasn’t because he was too busy laughing his a.. off! And my screen avatar kept missing each and every hit and turning to look after that f…. tabel tennis ball! Is mortified a word that rings a bell? That’s how I felt! And, believe it or not, I was “daid” afterwards, too! From **swallows nervously as he tells this during a Sportshaters Anonymous Meeting** bloody Wii Table Tennis for 10-year-olds!

  2. Abby

    It’s so much harder than they make it look in the ads!!!

    I will say, we did buy the TV mount for the Kinect and that made all the difference. It’s still just as hard, but the camera manages to capture all of our movements now. Now I don’t have to be a contortionist to get it to register a squat. LOL

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