Today’s Top Ten: Why My Fingernails Are Destined to Be Short

I just applied for my first-ever freelance writer gig.

Terrified. Absolutely terrified.

I haven’t applied for a job since 2003. Which meant total overhaul of my resume, a new cover letter, and writing samples, interspersed with moments of self-doubt and terror.

Since I have no idea if they’ll even read my samples, let alone if or when I’ll find out about the job, I’ll just say that getting this gig could be seriously huge for me. As in doubling my current salary huge. BUT…I’m not going to focus on that. I’m going to focus on continuing to do what has brought me joy for so many years–write. If this gig doesn’t pan out, I’ll look for another.

Except this one is perfect for me. Wit, humor, obscure references—all required. It’s like they know me. Like the mothership is calling me home.

ACK! STOPPIT!

Ok. No more obsessing. Instead, I’m going to do my second favorite thing in life, that has been bringing me joy for not as many, but still a number of, years. I’m going to write a list! Yay!

Top Ten Reasons Why My Fingernails Are Always Short:
 
1. Because I don’t drink milk. So they’re brittle and awful, so I just keep them trimmed.
2. Because I have short, husky, troll-like fingers. I imagine I’d look like a transvestite version of Gimli from the Lord of the Rings (who is a dwarf, not a troll) if I had girlie nails.
He’s so pretty.
3. Making jewelry requires nimble fingers. Some ladies can do intricate wire-work with long, lovely nails. Me–because of aforementioned troll-fingers, it’s easier for me to work with very short nails.
4. Because things like global warming, rising gas prices, and Lindsay Lohan’s legal struggles keep me on edge. Biting my nails relieves that tension.
5. My beautiful new cell phone is a touch screen. I imagine long nails would make it that much harder to navigate. It already takes me twice as long to send a text because of my larger-than-most fingertips. Nails would only increase the pain and suffering of friends who already wait 30 minutes for me to reply, “LOL.”
6. I went through an acrylic nail phase a few years ago. I learned two very important lessons with acrylic nails: they murder your real life nails, and it hurts like h-e-double-hockey-sticks when you break one.
7. Part of my “Fat Girl” persona requires me to draw as little attention to myself as possible. (Unless it is from the safety of my computer chair.) So I don’t eat large meals in front of friends, I have trained myself to laugh without snorting, and I don’t have siren-red she-daggers.
8. Who wants long nails when you need to pick your nose? Not this girl.
9. I type fast. Really really fast. (As in 113 WPM, according to this website.) Nails would slow me down to, like, 90 WPM, and who has time for that? Again, not this girl.
10. I paint my toenails. That’s enough for me.
My hubby things I have cute toes. 🙂

5 thoughts on “Today’s Top Ten: Why My Fingernails Are Destined to Be Short

  1. Maddog

    As a chronic nail biter, I went decades with short nails. Even when I didn’t bite them they broke. I started taking Glucosamine for joint care and a side effect were nails of stainless steel. I can’t bite them if I tried and sometimes they’re a b-word to clip.

    Now a days I also scratch myself to a bloody mess. Absentmindedly or in my sleep.

    Woo Hoo!

  2. Kristin at My Art and the Mom in Me

    ok. You are hysterical!

    First off, I hope you get the job! yay! Sounds dream come true-ey! (ok, not a word, but, ok)

    I have short nails too.. when they get long-ish, I find I can’t pick my nose, either, lolol!

    You are too funny! I just love you! That picture of the troll had me rollin’!! LOLOL!!

  3. Abby

    @Walt: Glucosamine, huh? Interesting. You need heavy-duty nail clippers.

    @Kristin: Thanks doll! :0) I’m so glad someone else realizes the importance of nose-picking. LOL

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