We talk for our cats.
Maybe I shouldn’t just jump into that statement without explaining first. So, let’s rewind, and I’ll explain.
I have a pretty good feeling that every pet owner in the world speaks to their pet. Maybe even in a high-pitched baby voice. We certainly do that. Everyone in my family does. (Our family, friends, and readers of my other blog won’t be surprised one iota by this post.)
The difference between us and the rest of the world–we narrate our cats’ lives.
In other words, if I ask my cat, Scooter, what he’s up to, my husband will answer for him. And each cat has their own specific voice, character, and sayings. (No we’re not crazy. I swear.) We’ve been doing this for so long that it may be difficult for you to convince me that I don’t have active conversations with my cats.
You’re still scratching your head like you don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. Let me go one step further and allow you to take a sneak peak into our lives.
Conversation with Dizzy
(The role of Dizzy will be played by me. The role of Husband will be played by B.)
Dizzy strolls into the room, leaps up onto the couch and peers at us with an annoying look on his face.
Husband: Hey, Dizzy. Whassamatter? You’re looking a bit….peeved.
Dizzy: I am, Dad. I really am.
Husband: Well, what happened?
Dizzy: Harry was born, Pip looked at me, and Scooter is breathing.
Husband: They’re your brothers, pal. You should be nice to them.
Dizzy: (looking down his nose disdainfully) The day you brought them home was the worst day of my life. (Dizzy snuggles up in Husband’s lap and looks up at him adoringly.) Can’t we just give them away? Plllleeeeeease, Dad?
Husband: Give them away? I think not.
Dizzy: (looks away and starts cleaning his foot) Fine. But I will not stop asking.
Conversation with Harry
(The role of Harry will be played by me. The role of Husband will be played by B.)
Harry sits in Husband’s lap and rubs his face on Husband’s chin.
Harry: I love you, Dad.
Husband: I love you, too, buddy.
Harry: No, Dad, you don’t understand. I LOVE you. (gives Husband a soft head butt.)
Husband: I know, buddy. I LOVE you, too. (pats Harry on the head.)
Harry: NO, Dad. You don’t understand. I really, really LOVE you. (gives Husband a harder head butt.)
Husband: I know, I know. You’re a good cat, Harry.
Harry: Oh, Dad. You’re the bestest Dad of all the Dads in the whole entire land. (purrs loudly)
Husband: And you’re the bestest Harry of all the Harrys in the whole entire land.
Conversation with Pip
(The role of Pip will be played by B. The role of Wife will be played by me.)
Pip comes into the living room, sits at Wife’s feet, and meows loudly.
Wife: What is it, Pip?
Wife: What’s that? You’re hungry?
Pip: Yes, mom. Food.
Wife: But Pip, it’s only 4:30. You have to wait another 30 minutes.
Pip: (meows loudly again) No, Mom. Hungry. Food now.
—30 minutes of meowing ensues, as well as a countdown to dinner time from Wife–
Pip: (meows loudly for 153rd time) Mom. Hungry. Food now.
Wife: Oh, for Pete’s sake. You’re annoying. (gets up from couch and heads to the kitchen)
Pip: (scurries into the kitchen ahead of Wife, moving faster than he’s moved in 7 years, meowing all the way) Food! Food! Food! Food!
Conversation with Scooter
(The role of Scooter will be played by me. The role of Husband will be played by B.)
Scooter races into the room, tail floof puffed out, and meows loudly.
Scooter: ♪♫ Dun dun naaaaaaa!! ♪♫ I am Scoo-Tar the MAGNIFICENT!
Husband: Yes. Yes you are.
Scooter: Hey Dad! Hey Dad! Guess what I just did????
Husband: What did you just do, Scoot?
Scooter: I swatted Pip in the head….and and and then I jumped over Harry’s back….and and and then I pounced on Dizzy and made him squeal like a little girl. HAHAHA! I am the awesomest man cat that has ever roamed the earth!
Husband: (chuckling) Yes, Scooter. You are Magnificent.
Scooter: That’s right Dad. Scoo-Tar the Magnificent. That’s my THEME song, man. Oh! Somebody’s making noise! Gotta go see! ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! (Scooter dashes from the room, leaving nothing but floof behind him.)
Husband to Wife: That cat is CRAZY.
See? TOTALLY un-crazy. Right?