A Funny Story (At My Husband’s Expense)

I was reading one of my favorite blogs yesterday, and I absolutely laughed out loud. No, strike that. I didn’t just laugh out loud, I snorted. So, I thought I would share a similar story with you today.

Except my story stars my husband, not me, because I would NEVER embarrass myself the way I’m about to embarrass him. **

When we first moved to Charleston, we lived in an apartment complex that had a slight Palmetto bug problem. Now, for those who don’t know what a palmetto bug is, let me explain it this way…

Palmetto Bug is to Cockroach as Skateboard is to a Matchbox Car.
 
Ok, well, if that doesn’t explain it well enough, you can go look at the ugly little buggers here, but I won’t put a real picture up on my blog.
Why? Because my husband is almost positively reading this, and I wouldn’t do that to him.
You see, my husband is fearless when it comes to most things: spiders, snakes, leopards, serial killers, taxes….But when it comes to Palmetto bugs….well….
They make him squeal like John Cage.

We’d been living at this apartment for about 2 months, and every time a Palmetto bug made its way onto our living room rug, Brian would squeal, I would grab a glass and a magazine, and I would scoop up the little bugger and flush him away, thereby saving my husband from the icky insect.

Now let me reference the SIZE of these bugs by saying that I couldn’t use regular drinking glasses to catch these things. I had to use a designated wide-mouth margarita glass. And sometimes, their antennae STILL didn’t fit inside. THAT’S how big they were.

One quiet summer night, I was curled up on the couch reading a book. My husband disappeared for his nightly “constitutional.” The crickets were chirping, the warm summer breeze was blowing through the sliding glass door, and I was thoroughly engrossed in the book. Suddenly, piercing the night air came my husband’s warning call…

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
 
Which was immediately followed by…
THUMP. Pause.
 
And there may have been a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush.
I drop my book and, without hesitation, grab the margarita glass kept handy for such emergencies, and race toward the bathroom. As I turn the corner, this is what I see:
I jam the upturned margarita glass over the corpse (just to be sure) and turn to see my hubby, in a seated position on the throne, with his pants around his ankles, breathing so hard you’d have thought he’d just finished the Boston Marathon.  His cheeks were the color of ash, his eyes were as wide as my margarita glass, and you could hear the sound of his heart thudding in his chest.
“Honey, what happened?”
“I reached for the toilet paper, and it was ON THE ROLL. It was LOOKING AT ME! It was WATCHING ME POOP!”
“Did you touch it?”
“Briefly. Then I just threw it.”
And he had. Along with the toilet paper roll. He’d tossed bug and TP out the bathroom door, across the hallway, and into the wall.
It looked like a mini crime scene.
I should’ve busted out the yellow tape. And drawn a chalk outline.
To be fair, my husband has saved me from MANY spiders, big and small. But, I could never blog about that, because even cute cartoon-y spiders wig me out. So I couldn’t do my signature Photoshop interpretation of events. And what fun would that be?

 

**Dear B, You are my sun and my light, my heart and my soul, my smile and my happy ever after….not good enough? Ok, I’ll cook your favorite meal. No? How about, I promise to do your laundry for a week? Wait, I already do that. Ok then, be mad that I wrote a blog about an embarrassing moment in your life. But everyone else will laugh. You’ll see. Love, A  PS: If you REALLY wanna be mad at someone, blame Al, cuz she started it.

9 thoughts on “A Funny Story (At My Husband’s Expense)

  1. Abby

    WHAT? Lol…you know, nightly constitutional = Brian’s bathroom time. HAHAHA.

    He’s gonna shoot me. Off to enlarge font, now.

  2. Sarah

    ROTFLMAO! We had water bugs in Winchester, not as big as your bugs, but a bout the size of a 50 cent piece. My sister, Jessica was scared to death of them. As a result, and of course part of my duty as an older sis, I tormented her with them. Ya see it didn’t matter if they were dead or alive, so I’d find their lil dehydrated bodies in the basement and leave em everywhere. No place was safe, on or under her pillows, in her shoes I was relentless. Thank you so much for reminding me of all the time I spent scarein the livin bejesus outta her. 🙂

  3. Katnip Lounge

    I must remember to NEVER AGAIN read your post at work! How to explain my mirth? Say I was laughing at a guy afraid to poop in front of a giant mutant insect? I’d be instantly packed off to pee in a cup, I tell you.

    I scoff at spiders!
    However, grasshoppers give me MAJOR heebie-jeebies. They are EVIL.

    trish

  4. Maddog

    In Air Force Basic Training we did fire drills all weekend long. One after another. We were on the third floor. Our sister Flight and us. 100 men strong. I had the privilege of watching 100 strong men run around a monstrous Water Bug (Texan for Palmetto Bug).

    Those suckers are BIG!

  5. Jessica

    Holy crap! This is hilarious! Yet, at the same time I sympathize. As my sister previously explained…I, too, have a bug phobia. I would get up in the middle of the night and have to go to the bathroom. I would stand as far from the bathroom door as possible, reach around and switch on the light, and then crane my neck around to survey the bathroom floor. If, by chance, one of those horrid little creatures (a water bug) was in the bathroom I would go wake up my dad who would graciously kill it for me thereby preventing me from peeing in the hallway…

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